And then it was twelve

still the best representation of my childhood :: manchester, ct :: 1978

I still vividly remember April 30th, 2001 like it was yesterday.

In many ways, it was.

But, it’s not.

It’s been twelve years… twelve long, painful, lonely years…

It doesn’t get easier, even though I know it should.

Time heals all wounds and shit like that.

I’ll stand by you…

For the record, this is not the first email I’ve received that starts like this:

Can I ask you a very personal question? It’s personal for me, I mean. Not something to freak out over, just not something I would talk to just anyone about.

I get messages like that on Facebook, via email, and even tumblr, all the time.

I’ve saved lives, and I’ve saved marriages.

I feel like a super hero…

BIPOLAR WOMAN!

I want a fan club, an action figure (complete with ginormous boobs, please), and a movie written by Kevin Smith, starring Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, David Tennant, Benedict Cumberbatch, and Martin Freeman, directed by Joss Whedon, and produced by Eric Kripke. ALL the actors, of course, would be my love interests. (Can you say ‘explicit love scenes’ boys and girls? I knew you could! Mmmm… what a perfect example of the recklessness of the mania!!!) However, Tennant MUST use his real accent, because Scottish accents top English accents anytime. Except for Steven Moffat’s Scottish accent, because… well… he’s MOFFAT. He’s DEFINITELY not allowed anywhere near my blockbuster. Unless he’s my arch enemy. OOH! He could be The Evil… something.

Fangirling over my movie aside, it blows my mind that nine times out of the ten I get approached it’s because I’m so open about the bipolar.

I wish I had the answers every one looks for. I wish I held the cure.

All I can do is talk about why I don’t get suicidal (any more), how I get when I get manic (rather dangerous to others), and how I get when I’m depressed (also rather dangerous, but to myself).

I told a person once that I’m not a shrink, but I’ve been shrunk.

Maybe I’ll just write a memoir or something… get what I can out there and maybe help a broader audience.

Or maybe I’ll write that script for my superhero movie instead.

Boot Camp

I haven’t wanted to talk about this… which sounds stupid, because it’s about a dog… but it’s a painful topic.

We finally “gave up” on Guinness and his relationship with the cat. It’s been a problem since he came home, but we’ve been putting it off. The separation anxiety was ridiculous, too. He was breaking out of his crate(s) and this was even a bigger problem than the cat aggression. We didn’t feel safe leaving the house. Who knew what he was capable of? Could he get upstairs and get the cat? Would he turn on Apache? Would he hurt himself on the crate trying to break out?

We finally decided on sending him back to his breeder for a few weeks of intensive training. They worked on cat aggression, they worked on the separation anxiety and they drilled obedience into him.

Then we brought him home.

He wasn’t our dog. Something was different about him. He became really aggressive toward Apache, to the point where J got really worried (I mean terribly anxious/depressed) that he’d hurt Apache. (It’s not out of the realm of possibility - Guinness has caught and killed a bird before.) After only four days of being at home, he went after Apache a fourth time and wound up being boarded that night.

I needed to rewatch the videos the videos they sent us and I didn’t like what I saw. Guinness looked broken, afraid. Definitely not our dog.

When I brought it up to the breeder, he went OFF on me. Blamed it on J’s behavior when he picked Guinney up. Said J needed to be medicated. All sorts of terrible things. To say I wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him would be an understatement.

Abso-fucking-lutely uncalled for.

We went there yesterday to pick him up.

We left him behind.

(I wonder what he thinks about us… I feel terrible.)

It was decided - after much clearing of the air - that they would bring Guinness to live with them, in their house, for the next few days. With cats and a dog who really hates cats who should spur Guinness into the bad behavior we’re seeing here at home.

He’s not a bad dog, and he has a lot of elements of both his parents in him (bonus of going back to the breeder - they KNOW what makes Guinnes tick better than anyone in the world. Probably even us.), which was a huge thing when it came to deciding on the best way to work with him.

The change in J’s anxiety level has been astonishing.

I know he won’t be perfect when he won’t be home, but I have hope that he’ll be close enough to the dog we know he can be…

But, holy shit, does it suck being apart from him for this long.

I think it’s time to revisit Nine

nine took a lot of time to warm up to, but i’m glad i took the time to watch all ce’s eps

See also:

(Have I mentioned how much Matt Smith is growing on me? LOL)

I… can’t… even

it’s been too long since david tennant has been on my blog

If you want the whole story, go watch the fucking news… IF (and that’s a big if (ha!)) they can figure out the fucking truth.

All I know today is that one of the owners of my company was basically locked in his apartment today due to this crazy bullshit.

To top it off, supposedly they found a bomb about 30 feet from where Mr. Bossman parked his car. Supposedly. That’s his story and that’s all I have to go on.

I am so over this shit.

——

There’s so much to talk about and so much I don’t want to talk about.

I think I’m going to listen to “Neverwhere” again. Or maybe I’ll start listening to “Cabin Pressure”... it feels like a radio show type of night. Plus, you know, Benedict Cumberbabe.