... to tell Big Bossman just how emotionally damaged I am.
Looks like the accounting department will be changing again.
WHEN (not if!!!!) it happens, I’ll be back to the company that started this insanity. The company I love working for more than anything. The company that causes the least bit of stress in my professional life (Well, at least since we got rid of A and M…)
The news is not enough to bring me back to stable, it’s not even enough to break through the deep depression I’m in, but it’s enough to look forward to.
That’s about all I can ask for now, so it’s going to have to be good enough…
Been quiet lately. Not sure what to say, or how to say it… there’s just too much going on in my head.
Have decided this much though - sending me to Minneapolis with hardly a day’s notice stressed me out and made me look long and hard at some decisions I’ve been putting off making.
In the meantime, I’m working on a Wallaby for a friend’s kid. I’m probably knitting it a thousand sizes too big, but the rate I knit and the way kids seem to grow, they may get a season out of it. If I’m lucky.
I’m alive. Mostly. Enjoying my time with my knitting, being off the grid, and generally hiding from the world.
I’m sure I’ll have something useful or important to say soon.
After being in a deep dark depression for a while now, the sun broke through and I was pretty manic yesterday.
It was a nice change and once I ended up coming down from the high, I’m feeling pretty stable.
There’s also a lot of stuff that has helped my Happy come back home:
I’m headed to Schenectady, NY for a BMS show tonight and I’ll have a thumb drive with me for Mr. Big C-Rollz full of all kinds of yummy goodness. I’m excited to give it to him. I’m also excited to see a few others and… converse with them about various topics.
I went to Brookline, MA last night to see Jenny Lawson. Amazing to meet one of my heroes… I don’t even have the words. Too fucking cool.
I’m headed to London in 2013 to Nick’s wedding. Another thing I don’t have the words for… our friendship has been through a lot over the years, and he was one of the first friends I ever made on the internet. We’re talking over 10 years. So weird. So very, very weird.
I just sold the land so I don’t need to worry about trespassers getting hurt and suing me. That’s someone else’s problem now. I can also lower the liability policy I added to my homeowner’s so I can start paying less to the insurance company.
This week, the River has been playing the ‘right’ song when my alarm has gone off. The Decemberist’s “Calamity Song” (which is more R.E.M.-y than anything the band has released since leaving IRS), The Mats’ “Alex Chilton” (a day after Jodi’s birthday and Jodi is a huge Mats’ fan), and two Florence + The Machine songs, which I can’t remember. That’s pretty impressive, although there was a span of time where they played R.E.M. between 5:30 and 6 AM almost daily. (I’m a bad person - I tend to snooze for about a half hour.)
AND - I got a save the date from an unexpected person… although it said “No, I’m not getting married. That would be stupid.” I finally got the info on what I was saving the date for and I’m excited to go. I never thought I’d be among the people they would invite to something like this, but I guess we are friends after all. It’s an unique friendship… we basically do nothing but poke each other on FB, and we never talk. At all. Until I get these random messages.
I’m feeling pretty blessed right now and I hope it’s enough to keep the bipolar behaving for a while. I’d like to be stable for more than a day…
sometimes, you just need to hear it from an unexpected source…
I’ve had a pretty bad two weeks at work - spent doing everything EXCEPT my job - and it’s been taking a huge toll on me.
To the point where I had a temper tantrum and then someone had to step up and fight for me, because I don’t have the words.
The words I would USE, if I could say them out loud, would be along the lines of:
I’m protected under the ADA, and I hate to throw that out there, but I don’t think that what I’m asking for is unrealistic.
You hired me because I was good at what I do. You’ve kept me on because I’ve always gone above and beyond what you’ve asked and expected of me.
I’m so broken, and I have been for a while now. Everything is falling apart, and I don’t even know the person you hired.
All I’m asking for is you to cut me some slack.
You’ve been doing the right things for me for a while, even if you don’t know it:
- the private, quiet place where I can hide and protect my coworkers from myself
- the assistant what was supposed to lessen my workload
- the restructuring of the finance department to really lessen my workload
But this new thing is out of control and you’ve hired someone to do what you’re asking me. It’s far out of my realm of knowledge and nothing I want to learn anytime soon. I don’t know why they don’t want to do their job. I don’t know why they think I want to run this show. I don’t want any part of it. Not one fucking bit.
I’m sorry if someone fought for me and won, but I’m not going to apologize for the work that got dumped on your plate. Hold a grudge. Hate me forever.
I bet you can.
But I’m tired of letting you help drive me to the brink. I’m putting my foot down and setting boundaries.
You’re not going to win because if I have to choose, you’re going to lose.
This is my life you’re fucking with.
And it ends now.
So, yeah. Someone had to say all that on my behalf… and while I’m embarrassed, and ashamed, I’m forever grateful.
To make myself feel better, I’m looking at my red dress pictures and the message I was sent on Facebook. It reminds me that I am not my job. That I am a person. A sick person, to be sure, but a person nonetheless.
A SEXY person.