Maybe this is why I ship Violate so hard

November 27, 2011 :: 7:05 PM
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I don’t think it’s possible to save someone from themselves… but you might be able to give them enough of a lifeline so that they can save themselves.


Weight off my shoulders

November 27, 2011 :: 5:18 PM

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matt cohen (young john winchester) :: spn boscon :: august 2011

I love this picture - I was taking pictures during karaoke, and he stopped in front of me. Didn’t move until I snapped the photo. Then, I got a hug and he went to wherever he was going… I think that’s about the time he started dancing on the chairs with Chad.

Oh, happy memories…

J just walked in on me writing the following:

I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to write. I’ve known where you’ve been for a while now. (The state has an inmate search available on their website. Isn’t that nice of them?)

I guess I’ve been trying to come to terms with everything we’ve been through together and how I really feel like I failed you. Part of me feels like I did reach you and that, maybe, if I tried harder, you wouldn’t have pulled the stupid stunt that got you where you are today. Then, there’s a part of me that thinks you were so far gone that I wouldn’t have been able to do anything…

I’m so so so sorry I walked away from you again.

I know I’m a jerk for opening this wound up, but I can’t shake - haven’t been able to shake - the feeling that deep down, we still need each other.

I’m thinking about you. I hope you’re doing well (as well as can be).  I’m here if you’d like to reconnect.

Love, me

It’s not the best thing I’ve ever written, and I’m sure he’ll write back… I AM a jerk for opening this wound up. Especially now. Part of what’s been eating at me is that we do what we do and that it never gets better. We do still need each other. I know I’m not emotionally stable enough to handle the amount of baggage he’s carrying around, and it’s what makes me keep pushing him away.

I don’t want to do that anymore.

I can’t do that anymore.

It’s as simple as the fact that I love him. That I always have. That I always will.

There’s no running away from that.


The way I know to get you out of that slump…

November 26, 2011 :: 10:09 PM

Addicted - Spring Heeled Jack

When things are going down and you wanna pick it up
Why don’t you try and do what I do
The way I know to get you out of that slump is
To listen to music that puts a smile on your face
I won’t let you be down so you better start jumping
Cause you’re making me ill
No one says when they grow up
They wanna be an addict well, I wouldn’t have it another way
When things are going down and you wanna pick it up
Why don’t you try and do what I do
I know some days you get dealt a bad hand
So listen to music that puts a smile on your face
I won’t let you be down so you better start jumping
Cause you’re making me ill, no one says when they grow up
They wanna be an addict well, I wouldn’t have it another way
While your passing through my way give me some s-k-a
On my tonuue and in my veins, I wouldn’t have it another way
I’m only telling you once I haven’t told you before
That I can’t stand people like you, thinking the way
I spend my time is all a shame, you say we are all the same
But when you look at us you say that could’ve been me
If I just followed my my dreams,
I’d rather do it now and regret it later,
Hey I wouldn’t waste another day.
Why you tryin’ to rule my world, see the tables slowly turn
You’re the one whose wasting their time it’s all a shame
But when you look at us you say that could’ve been me
If I just followed my my dreams,
I’d rather do it now and regret it later,
Hey I wouldn’t waste another day.
Why you tryin’ to rule my world, see the tables slowly turn
You’re the one whose wasting their time it’s all a shame
You’re all the S A M E
cantyouseeimaddictedcantyouseeimaddictedcantyouseeimaddictedcantyouseeimaddicted

I had said in a previous post that Spring Heeled Jack was one of bands I listened to a lot during my “Dark Period”... Their music is bouncy, and I always do smile at the line “Listen to music that puts a smile on your face…”

By the time the song gets to the line, “I’d rather do it now and regret it later, hey, I wouldn’t waste another day…” I’ve completely lost myself in the song.

I’ve been in a weird place lately… I can feel the darkness creeping in, but it’s not quite depression. It’s loss and mourning and some other stuff I can’t get my head around, but it LOOKS like depression, it feels like depression, and I’m sure as hell acting all depressed, but I don’t know where or how to draw the line between depression and The Ick right now. I’m not sure if I should ride it out or adjust my meds.

While I’m getting out of my slump, I’m going to listen to music that puts a smile on my face.


brain dumpage

November 24, 2011 :: 4:24 PM

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bu vs northeastern :: agganis arena :: 2010 - 2011 season

Spent an hour or two going through some old pictures… found a few I really loved.

Thinking about a redesign for here… again.

I’ve been blogging since the late 1990s. In February 2000, I bought tamaranicole.com… I didn’t get my own domain until I’d been blogging for a while and realized this was something I was going to be doing for a long time. 4 years here and it will be (at least) 12 years in February since I started this nonsense. No wonder I’m feeling bored and restless again. It’s time to do… something. I have no idea where that’s going to lead, but it’s time. I’m bored with social media. I’m even bored with blogging, but I’m not ready to close up shop. Not yet.

My jr. ninja is working out well… the restaurant just opened, and we’re experiencing some serious hiccups, but it wasn’t unexpected. At least I was counting on them to happen. There’s only so much you can do to straighten out a clusterfuck, but that’s on tap for first thing Monday morning. She’s been picking up my slack so that I can focus on the shitshow that opening a restaurant is. I’m still getting used to the idea that I’m someone’s boss, but for as much drag as she’s putting on my day to day flow, she’s also been a huge lifesaver.

This weekend, my only plan is to get better. One of my coworkers told me I had bronchitis and then she told me how to get rid of it. (That’s how insane it’s been between work, school, and having a life. I didn’t realize how long it’d been since I started hacking up my lungs. I’m glad that someone was paying attention. *grin*) Well, D knows her shit. I’m on day two of her “prescription” and I’m already feeling loads better. Of course, I probably bought enough drugs containing pseudoephedrine to cause the police to start paying attention to my CVS purchase history. (Interesting fact: Seabrook was home to one of the largest meth busts in New England. They probably take that shit REAL seriously around here.) If the versions that don’t contain pseudoephedrine worked half as well, I wouldn’t buy nearly as much of the good stuff as I do.

And on that note, it’s time to eat some turkey.

Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone!


Oh, my heart…

November 20, 2011 :: 1:52 PM

It’s sweet, and it’s sad, and it’s true :: oh my heart :: r.e.m.

I broke down and bought R.E.M.‘s final album, ironically titled “Part Lies, Part Heart, Part Truth, Part Garbage”.

Of course, I own 99% of the songs on there, but it’s what I do. I support my favorite band by buying their stuff… not that it matters anymore because they can support themselves off the millions they’ve already made from people like me. They don’t need the $15 I spent on the same songs I already own.

I’ve been listening to it this morning, and the songs they’ve chosen are obvious to say the least, but they do show the band’s progression from the IRS years to that last steaming piece of crap they released.

It’s been an interesting journey through my memories - every song is a streetlight and every streetlight is a reminder…

I’m struggling to wrap my head around the fact that my entire life to this point has been condensed into 40 songs.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to being moved to the point of tears. That I’m still in mourning.

It’s easier to leave than to be left behind.

I’ve read all the articles I’ve been able to find and I still can’t fault the band for their decision… although part of me wishes that Bill Berry hadn’t made such a stink about not wanting to be the guy that broke up R.E.M. Maybe it would have been better back then. They really could have gone out on top of their game. I mean, the pure beauty of NAIHF would have been a great way to bow out gracefully.

Up, Reveal, Around the Sun, Accelerate, Collapse into Now - they would have never existed. But maybe that’s not such a bad thing…

I don’t think I’ll be able to come to terms with their breakup as long as I keep listening… but I can’t stop listening. It’s the soundtrack to the last 31 years of my life. How do you just walk away from that?

At the end of the day, I guess I’m still looking for answers from the great beyond.

 

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