Clarity, closure, cookies.

mmm. cookies (for the dogs. not people, but boy do they smell good!). :: da brook :: june 26, 2009

It’s been noticed - and has kind of become a running joke - that the theme for 2009 has become “clarity, closure, cookies.”

Yup.

I had a great time last night, got the comfort I so badly needed from my little brother, acted inappropriately with my friends (*wonk wonk*), and there was closure. I made the right choice when I decided which boy to hold on to. We’re definitely OK.  The friendship won’t be the same, of course, but everything is good. I even got a good bye hug! Totally wasn’t expecting that.  I figured I’d get a head nod or something. I even got a text message on the way home. Granted, I initiated the conversation, but I wasn’t expecting an answer… it didn’t need a reply.  My world is at peace again. I’d forgotten what that felt like. Me likey.

Unfortunately, my heart is not. Physically. I’m home AGAIN from work.  4 days of work with the sinus infection, the stress and the wonky heart pretty much do me in - I just can’t make it to the 5th day. While you think I’d enjoy the three-day weekends, being sick as a dog and sleeping all day isn’t really the way I’d choose to spend the time.  I can’t wait until I get over this.  Hopefully the cardiologist can give me some better answers today.  There’s no reason for the way my heart’s been acting and it’s starting to scare me.  I don’t mind the sinus ick, but the heart thing is pushing me over the edge.

I’m back to bed now and hoping the next few hours fly by.  I have never wanted to go to the Dr’s as badly as I want to today.

Conflicted

suck. on. that. chestnut. hill. :: boston university provided wallpaper

I got an email asking me why I would choose a friend whose girlfriend accused me of hooking up with him (Hello! MARRIED.) over a guy who used to be my best friend in the whole world.

It wasn’t an easy decision by any means… Choosing to stay friends with the one is tied directly to my social life and a circle of friends I don’t want to lose. Unfortunately, until this blows over (if it ever does - but I have hope), I’ve got to keep some distance between us. I’m fine with that. I’d rather have yet another change to our friendship than have to lose him.  Besides the friendship, we have a business relationship as well. I’m not going to walk away from that.

Choosing to let go of The Boy (the one who, for better or for worse, is my soulmate), was hard, but in the end my health won out. I’m bipolar and I cycle into deep depressions as it is (even with my meds) - I don’t need my “friends” to send me there.  I also don’t need to be stressed to the point where I get sick enough with physical symptoms to take a day off of work. I missed him terribly over the years we weren’t speaking, but in retrospect, I see now that what that last conversation triggered was a harbinger of what was to come.

As I said, I’m not really happy with either decision, but I had to do what was best for me, my health and my sanity. I should walk away from the other boy and keep The Boy in my life.  I know this is probably the best choice on an emotional level, but my heart doesn’t get to make this decision. (Well, it did, but you know what I mean.)

I don’t know… even though I’ve made my decisions and I’m not going to change my mind, I’m still a little conflicted as to whether or not they’re the right ones. I know the decision about The Boy has already made me feel better and I’ll see what happens with the other boy this weekend.  It’ll be our first time in the same room since the accusation, and I’m interested to see how everyone reacts to my attendance.  I’m also scared shitless that it will get ugly, but all I know is my side, and I’ll defend my innocence until the day I die.

At this point, all I can do is hold on tight and enjoy the ride… it’s a good thing I like roller coasters.

Broken hearted… literally

neighbor’s cat :: da ‘brook :: may 12, 2008

I haven’t written in my Moleskine since June 6th when I wrote a whole whopping sentence about nothing.  There’s a good reason for the backlog… the events of the past few weeks have been wicked painful to live through, let alone process and put into writing. I’ve barely been blogging about it, too… Partly to protect myself and partly to protect the guilty parties.  Not that my experiences with Lotus Notes haven’t made for compelling reading, but I know most of you are looking for the “real” stuff.

Anyhoo, two boys, two very different issues, two very different endings.  Right now, neither one is an ending I’m happy with, but I’m comfortable with the decisions I’ve made and where they may lead.

I’ve decided to NOT let go of the one friendship I probably should… there’s too much invested in it for a stupid accusation to take me out of the picture.  Sorry. Nothing happened, nothing will ever happen, and you’re just going to have to deal with it. I’ll continue to give you your space, but I’m not going anywhere. Period.

On the other hand, I’ve said goodbye to The Boy. Again. For the last time.

His personal issues drove me to places I didn’t want to go, couldn’t survive going back to.  He almost put me in the hospital twice. The stress I carried - just from listening to his drama - set off my heart.  Yesterday’s little fun was responsible for me leaving work at 10AM and coming within minutes of going to the ER.  (I carry pills to stop the a-fib, but I’m not supposed to take more than two.  I had taken two.)

I just don’t have the words right now to go deeper into it… all I can say is “Goodbye. Have a nice life.  Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”

The one where I blast IBM…

pony loves lamy safaris and moleskines! :: april 24, 2009 :: saugus, ma

I’ve come to terms with the “downs” of the past two weeks.  It took a while for me to process them to the point where I could join the rest of the world again… Of course, yesterday, my first real day as a human - and a freaking awesome day at that -  I got a phone call that threatened to bring me back down.  A simple declaration on Twitter that I was done with the drama made me feel instantly better.  I know that doesn’t end it, but it’s a temporary fix and it’s working for now.

Speaking of temporary fixes, I gave in and decided to have one email address that all my “less essential” email addresses would get forwarded to. This now, in theory, will allow me to use LotusNotes and eProductivity at home. This is a crappy compromise because I really like having the ability to view and send from the individual email accounts as well as see them all as a whole, but unlike Microsoft, IBM decided that people using Notes didn’t need the ability to use multiple email accounts.  That’s a really good sign that the company doesn’t care for the little users - only the enterprise level end users. No wonder they’re losing ground to Outlook / Exchange. It’s bullshit, plain and simple. I don’t feel like I’m getting my money’s worth out of Notes at home and the only reason I’m even putting up with it - despite all the headaches I’ve been having since March - is because I want eProductivity.  Period. I have no interest in using Notes at home - especially now. I just want the add-on. If eProductivity worked in Apple Mail, Entourage, or even Outlook, I’d be all over it and probably much happier than I am today.

I will say this - the support I received from the Lotus Notes users on Twitter and from Eric Mack (eProductivity’s developer) was / is nothing short of amazing. Even though I was forced to face the fact that there is yet to be any amount of hacking that could give me what I wanted, these people tried like mad to do it. If I’m going to have to fight to get the software to do what I want, these are exactly the type of people I would want on my side. They were so generous with their time!!!  Many gave me detailed instructions with screen grabs that rival the best software manuals out there. If any of you are still hanging around, thank you again, and again, for your efforts. The fact that IBM is paying attention and working on adding multiple email address support is HUGE. I can’t thank those people enough either.  (I’m looking at you, @DwightMo and Ed Brill!)

I have one stumbling block left.  I’ve got all 6 of my “less essential” accounts set to forward and they all appear to be working, but now I need to import the old stuff. That’s a battle for another day.  I’ve got a really small to-do list for today… four simple things and I’ve already done three of them.  I know myself well enough to know that if I had planned to do more, I’d only stress myself out and right now, that’s the last thing I need to do. I’ll probably end up going above and beyond (the magic of the Unschedule! Thank you, Neil Fiore!).  That’s not a bad thing.  Of course, I did schedule in more time to play the Sims!  It’s the best way I’ve found to get out of my head and it’s been instrumental in my ability to work through the Ick of the past two weeks.

I think that tomorrow’s main project is to start moving things out of OmniFocus and into eProductivity.  I’m *so* excited by that fact, I’m absolutely twitching.  (In fact, I may find the time to start today!) I was getting so disgusted with my Notes experience that I never thought I’d be able to say that. This is HUGE for me and while I’m not happy with the kludge, it will do for now… but this doesn’t end it, IBM.  Do you hear me?

 

Once again, the band is All Crazy!

arsey :: january 2009 :: da ‘brook

The past week has been an interesting, very long one, filled with up and downs.  More downs than ups, unfortunately. That’s the price to pay when you’re a grown up, I guess.  Time to file it under “shit happens” and move on.  It’s a new week, I’m not getting out of my jammies today and my to-do list consists of blowing off everything and everybody and playing the Sims 3. My last day of hiding and licking my wounds, if you will.

Last night, I went to CT.  It was originally a trip with the hubby to see All Crazy play at Up or on the Rocks in Hartford, with maybe the chance to hook up with some friends at the show.  Wasn’t feeling social enough for the birthday party festivities being held earlier in the night (Sorry, M!), but really wanted the fun night out enjoying the indie music scene. Guess I’m in withdrawal while Instrument is on a temporary hiatus… Although, it does crack me up that I drive the two and a half hours to Hartford for indie music when I live an hour from the scene in Boston. 

Anyhoo, trip with hubby became a solo trip.  I went in early to hang out with The Boy. Because of the timing and the fact that we have two furry children, J stayed at home to take care of them.  I don’t think our reunion would have been the same with him there, so it’s probably best he stayed home. It was good to see The Boy again - to hug him, to chat with him, to prove the last few weeks haven’t been some weird f’ed up dream. I was painfully reminded of what he had meant to me and what he still does.  The amount of time that has passed has yet to properly heal my broken heart, I guess.  We had a whole, difficult, discussion on marriage and what it means, but that’s an entry for another time… I’m not ready to go there yet and since it’s not about my marriage, but his, maybe it’s better kept offline anyway. It did open up a very interesting internal dialogue about the power of love and the effect of addiction on relationships around 3AM this morning as I was flying down 495 and I think I learned something from it.  I guess we really do still have much to teach each other.  Who would have thought my Dad would be so right?

I was also reminded of just how small my world was when I bookended this week with with not one, but two people who know either my family or me.  Last Sunday, I decided to go to a meeting of the UNWLA (The Ukrainian National Women’s League of America - NOT The Ugandian Nationals with Long Arms, like my Facebook friends want to think! *grin*).  It’s a part of me that I want to connect to since I was never able to in the past.  Well, as I’m saying why I wanted to join, I mentioned that my family was involved with building St. Michael’s Ukrainian Catholic Church in Hartford.  The woman to my left asked me my mom’s name and when I told her, she freaked out. She knew my mother.  She lived in Hartford when she was younger, they went to Ukie camp together and even remembered that my mom died young, in the 1990s.  HOLY FREAK ME OUT, BATMAN!

Top that off with hearing someone tell me, “Oh! So and So’s boyfriend says he knows you” last night - right before he walked in.  Turns out he remembers me from high school.  It took a minute to place the face, but OMG! His memory of me is so detailed, I’m starting to wonder just how off my perception of myself is.  I’ve always thought I was the quiet one in high school.  The wallflower.  Never made any waves, blended into the background, that sort of thing. I always though that it took college and a Latvian bulldozer to bring me out of my shell and assist me with finding this new, outspoken, not afraid to be social, me. Nope - he remembered me from choir and knew I was in the band and drama club and, and, and… He even remembered me being at several parties at UConn, although I don’t remember him being there at all. Again, all I can say is HOLY FREAK ME OUT, BATMAN!  Or sing, “It’s a Small World”, but I don’t want to be responsible for planting that earworm in teh interweb’s collective ear.

That’s not really the point of this entry though.

The thing that I love about the little bands is the access to the members.  Whether it’s getting hugs from Danny D (from the ska band Skinnerbox), getting shout outs from “Bret Michaels” and Poor Pluto, being pen-pals with my friend Scott The Roadie (BiG MiSTAKE), and, of course, hanging out with those crazy boys in Instrument, getting to be part of the shows is just so much fun.  There’s that connection, that vibe, that really makes all the time I’m spending in my car worth it.  All Crazy’s show last night was no exception.

When Skinny (the violinist) found out it was M’s birthday, he bought us a round of shots.  We spent a lot of time talking with Soup (vocals), too. It was awesome that they were appreciative of the fact that V & I saw them in Cambridge a few months ago.  I loved that Skinny interacted with us while we were dancing near the stage.  Soup kept doing shout outs to the birthday girl, Boston, and even New Hampshire once Soup found out I was from there. (They did a kick-ass cover of The Dropkick Murphy’s “Shipping Up to Boston” for us.  While I hate that song with every fiber of my being, I actually found myself singing along and having a great time.) These guys know to mix covers and originals to get the crowd into it and they really do make a point to infect the crowd with their passion for what they’re doing.

I’ve been around “little” bands who don’t know how, are uncomfortable with, or choose to ignore, the importance of building their fan base. (Unfortunately, my beloved friends in Instrument seem to fall in this category from time to time.  They really need to focus on the answer to “what would Tool do?”)  All Crazy totally gets it and the experience is much better because of it.  After the show, Skinny gave us t-shirts and CDs, and Soup came over and spent even more time talking to us.  It was nice and it was REAL.  They’re playing in CT a lot this summer and I’ll probably make the trek down several times.  It’s worth it - I really like their music and I want to see them succeed. Even if I was “eh” about their music, I’d probably go see them again, anyway.  Just because they’re good people.

I’m fortunate that I have a husband who supports me going out - sometimes not coming home for days because of the travel - and reliving such an important part of my past.  Granted, I can’t relive ALL of it, nor would I want to, but I do get to enough to remind me of a time when I was truly happy.  Before my world changed for the worst.  It’s healing in a way I can’t put into words. 

And it’s exactly what I needed last night.