And I guess I’m still pretty angry…

April 30, 2009 :: 1:01 PM

Charlie Nelson
Sept. 19, 1946 - April 30, 2001


I wish I drank tequila
I wish I stayed up late
But lately when the Sandman comes
You know I just can’t wait
No, lately I can’t wait

And we packed up all your boxes
It’s all been hauled away
I never stare at walls so bare
‘Cause something always stays
Yeah something of you stays

And I wanna shout from my guitar
Come out, come out wherever you are
The joke is over, open your eyes
A heart like yours, it never dies
And I found your keys behind your chair
I still can see you sitting there
This isn’t funny; don’t fool around
You let me go… you let me down

And I guess I’m still pretty angry
And I don’t want to be

I don’t know which was the bigger waste of time
Missing you or wishing, instead, it was me

I wish I walked on water
Pulling rabbits from my sleeve
Guessing cards and saving everyone
I wish I still believed
Oh I wish that I believed

That I could also channel voices
That I’ve endured the burning blade
That I could make some of your choices
I wish I weren’t afraid
Of those choices that you’ve made

Like I could give you what you need
So ollie ollie oxen free
The game is up and I give in
So show yourself so that you can win
Come claim your prize and I don’t care
I still can see you standing there
How could you leave, how could you lie?
You cut me off in mid-reply
Run all your races
And be what you’re gonna be
And let some of us love you
And set thy anger free


And I guess I’m still pretty angry
And I don’t want to be
I don’t know which was the bigger waste of time
Missing you or wishing instead it was me

The will to win, the urge to race
I still can see it on your face
Thought I’d keep up but only crashed
I wasn’t built to move that fast
Thought I could match you stride for stride
But I was on the other side
And holding onto the safety rail
With knuckles white, complexion pale
A cloud of dust and you were gone
Thought I would catch you later on
I limped behind, your race was won
But were you racing or on the run?
How you enjoyed, you loved to drive
AND I’M DESTROYED… ‘CAUSE I’M ALIVE
Run all your races
And be what you’re gonna be
And let some of us love you
And set thy anger free

Control my contradictions
And allow that my labors thrive
And grant me please the answer
I don’t know why I’m still…

In the beginning there was you and me
I would have brushed my world aside
Rather than say goodbye
I would have brushed my world aside
I don’t know why I’m still…


And I guess I’m still pretty angry
And I don’t want to be
I don’t know which was the bigger waste of time
Missing you or wishing, instead, it was me

And I guess I’m still pretty angry
And I don’t want to be
I don’t know which was the bigger waste of time
Missing you…

- Pretty Angry (for J. Sheehan): (Blues Traveler)


Mortality

April 28, 2009 :: 8:58 PM

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matty gilroy & john mccarthy, captains :: hockey east regular season champions :: march 8, 2009

April 30th is the 8th anniversary of my father’s death. (How’s that for a starting sentence? *grin* Just wait, it gets better.)  May 3rd would have been my mother’s 63rd birthday and May 10th would have been my parent’s 45th anniversary.  I can live with the other two statistics - it’s the fact that, had they not finalized the divorce a few days before my mother died, they would have been married FORTY FIVE YEARS.  FORTY FIVE! Who stays married that long? If my mother hadn’t been the woman she turned into, the woman I knew and loathed, there is no doubt that my parents would have still been married. I know this because my father found it very important to tell me this several times during our last conversation.

I’ve been in the ER twice recently because of a recurring mitral valve prolapse related issue.  My main symptom is the racing / irregular heartbeat.  It makes me lightheaded, you can literally see my heart pounding (seriously - my shirt moves) and it hurts like a mother. To be quite blunt, it scares the shit out of me.  Heart disease runs in my family and I was already diagnosed with a heart murmur.  I’m also bipolar and in the past I (unknowingly) took meds that made this whole heart mess worse.  Of course, I find this out now. 

So anyways, recently, my thoughts have tended towards the morbid.  I have a very dark sense of humor, though, so it all balances out in the end.

I’ve known for a long time that life is too short, but this lesson was driven home so clearly on April 30, 2001, that I live in fear of NOT living every moment to its fullest. My father was obsessed with history and one of his favorite topics was the Kent State Shootings.  I lived in Ohio for several years and every single time he drove out to visit me, he’d always say he wanted to stop by Kent State and see where it all happened. The lyrics to Neil Young’s “Ohio” are forever engrained in my psyche. (Side note: I actually got to see the handwritten lyrics on a trip to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame before my father died. He was unimpressed, oddly.)

He moved to Ohio on April 15th. He had decided to go on Tuesday, May 1st because all his furniture was to be delivered by then.  He had his route all planned out.  He was so excited.  It was all he had talked about for the week prior.  Monday, April 30th, he was dead.  He had so much time, that I still don’t understand why he put it off…

I’ll admit, I’m burning the candle at both ends lately (and from the middle as well it seems).  I don’t want to slow down. To quote my hero: ”...I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.”  I don’t want to miss out on anything because I’m afraid to wind up back in the ER or, worse, dead. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, so why should I live in fear of my heart giving out?  Exactly.

As if everything else that had been going on recently wasn’t enough, I had yet another “life is too short” moment shoved in my face.  I still don’t know what happened… I got cranky last Monday and snapped at a friend. (Well, one of a few, truth be told.  I had a VERY BAD Monday.  *sigh*)  She went completely off the deep-end.  She sent me these angry emails and then went so far as to remove me from her friends on Facebook. I, very honestly, have no freaking idea what exactly I did to set her off like that.  But, c’est la vie.  If that’s how she wants to play it, fine. I can’t stop her.  I don’t even want to stop her.

The thing that bothers me the most, though, the thing that I can’t let go of yet: she kept saying she didn’t need any more drama because she has enough of her own.  Well, sure, I get that. But if you don’t need any extra drama, why are you creating it?  Life is too short to get that upset over what I think went on. Seriously, do yourself a favor and get over it.  I need you in my life only as a professional contact, and I don’t care if you never want to be my friend again.  Honestly, I didn’t even notice that you weren’t my friend on Facebook until I was looking for someone else I thought I friended who has a similar name. (Turns out I didn’t.  It’s on Someday/Maybe. )  I probably would have never noticed… that’s how little I choose to be upset by your overreaction. I just don’t care enough to waste more time than necessary on you and this drama you feel the need to add to your life.  I don’t have the need for more drama, and so I choose not to take any more on.

I choose instead to spend my time working through a horrendous backlog of photos from the end of the BU Hockey season, two trips to Vermont, a crazy Twilight DVD viewing party and the latest Instrument show.  I also have two websites to design, several books to read, several road trips to take, and finally, writing that blog entry about my latest experiences with LotusNotes/eProductivity… *sigh*  So, yeah, I really don’t have time to focus on your negativity right now. If you’re out to hurt me, you’re out of luck.

Life. Is. Too. Short.

Both my parents died relatively young, and while I know I won’t die of the same causes, it is in the back of my mind that my expiration date is sooner rather than later.  I refuse to waste a single second on doing anything I don’t find rewarding.  Hence, my obsession with BU hockey, photography, GTD, and Instrument. (Hey, GTD keeps my life together so I can do all that traveling and photo taking! *grin*)

And now, I’ve realized that I’ve spent way too long on this entry, so…  it’s time to move on to something a little more fun and a little less therapeutic. *grin*


Clumsy, crawling out of my skin…

April 21, 2009 :: 10:16 PM

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ben :: the warehouse, hartford, ct :: april 18, 2009

I’ve had R.E.M.‘s “Second Guessing” in my head for about two days now…

Why’re you trying to second guess me? I am tired of second guessing.

People forget that there are a gazillion other people on the internet and not everything said is meant to be taken personally by YOU.  (Unless of course, it is meant to… but if it is, I make sure I call you out so clearly you know who you are.  *grin*)  I blame Facebook/MySpace/Twitter for this new round of teh interweb’s st00pidity.  Too many n00bs around spoiling us old farts’ fun.  *sigh*  I’ve been blogging in some way, shape or form for 11 years, people.  I’ve seen it all. Get over yourselves.  You really don’t matter.  Neither do I. Srsly.

A million years ago (interweb time, of course), there were these things called Blog Wars.  People would write entries with the intent to piss people off.  And they WORKED! Can you believe it? Something inflammatory actually inflamed people!  My Word!  Of course, anytime you do start a war, people take sides and it got ugly pretty quickly.  Nice to know things haven’t changed… #amazonfail, anyone? Those that don’t pay attention to history allow it to repeat itself.  Me? I’ve tried to get out of the blog/FB/Twitter war zone, but that doesn’t mean I’ve been able to keep my nose clean.  I am only human… and as those who know me IRL will tell you, I can be quite the ass when I want to be. Especially when I am The CRANKY!!!!

At any rate, my point is I get a TON of emails, DMs/PMs, @ replies, text messages, phone calls, the whole shebang.  There are a lot of people with access to me and not all of them behave like grown-ups.  I try not to sink to their level, especially if they’re acting like children, but I’m not always able to take the high road. Sorry. That’s just how it is.  I am deeply flawed.  If you can’t accept that, than maybe you should find another person to latch on to because we are not a good fit.

There are things I want to say.  Things I need to say… but I don’t know how.  Not sure that there’s a way that won’t hurt someone’s feelings. I don’t think there’s a win in here at all for any of the affected parties. Like always, there WILL be collateral damage.  That’s just the way it is.  It, unfortunately, comes down to who I choose to hurt.  Time to flip a coin, I guess.

I’ve been lost inside my head…
I took the prize last night for complicated mess for saying things I didn’t mean and don’t believe…
Believe in me.  Believe in nothing.  Corner me and make me something…
I’m overwhelmed. I’m on repeat. I’m emptied out. I’m incomplete…
R.E.M. - Hollow Man


Blinding lights that breach the Paris sky…

April 18, 2009 :: 9:28 PM

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instrument :: b & g lounge, south windsor, ct :: april 11, 2009

If you’re new around these parts, I’ll save you the digging though the archives and let you know that a good friend from college is in a little indie band.  (You can thank me later. LOL)  They’re really good and in an effort to support D, I’ve gone to so many shows I wound up becoming friends with all the guys.  I’m also the unofficial official (official unofficial?) photographer.  Whatever.  I take a lot of pictures for them. That means I have to go to see them play - that’s a lot of traveling.  This month alone, I’ll have gone to CT three weekends in a row.  Last weekend, I was in South Windsor.  This weekend, I was in Hartford.  Next weekend, it will be UConn - Storrs.  After that, I’m Delaware bound and possibly Manhattan bound as well.  I live in New Hampshire, so I’m on the road WAY TOO MUCH for a sane person.

I wouldn’t change it for the world.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, in a completely different life, I spent a lot of time in local clubs watching other friends’ bands.  I really like revisiting that period of my life. Plus, with the right mix of people, these shows are an even bigger blast.  Whether it’s counting instruments on stage (13? I only see 10!), telling opening acts that they sound like Bret Michaels (which caused him to open his second set with “Every Rose Has Its Thorn”), creating in-jokes with the other opening act (“I don’t like your attitude!”) and having it brought up during their set, or getting shout-outs because we are friends with the band, I never feel that I’m wasting my time.  Moments like Aaron and D’s improptu jam session with Bret Michaels are definitely worth the price of admission. 

Because I am so close to the band, I’m emotionally invested in their success. I’m in the middle of a rather large project for them… a project whose scope changed dramatically last night.  To go all GTD Geek - I have never been so happy to have my ubiquitous capture tool.  Now that I have Lotus Notes up and running on my Mac, it’s time to get eProductivity installed and truly handle this project the way it needs to be handled.  I’ve heard there’s some interest in my experiences (*grin*), so I’ll make sure I take notes on how I’m using the software.

But for now, I’ve had way too much fun for one person and I can’t keep my eyes open.  I have a huge backlog of photos to go through, blog entries to write, and I *really* need to get “Finish the redesign of Good Advices/fix that stupid rss 2.0 feed” off of Someday/Maybe, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that going to bed right now is the best thing I can do.  And I will do so with a mind like water.


THANK YOU, SENIORS!

April 12, 2009 :: 12:09 PM

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matty gilroy, ncaa champion, hobey baker winner

I am speechless.

This BU hockey season was nothing short of amazing.  I think I’ve said that time and time again.  In person, on line, in email, on the phone, on Twitter, on Facebook, you get the idea.

I had not wanted to put all my hope in this team and get crushed.  Or worse, jinx them.  Every year, my favorite team to win it all just can’t get it done in the playoffs.  I did not want to do that to BU.  Even though, of course, they were my favorite to win.  (My second favorite was Miami (OH) and we know how it turned out for them the past few years…)

It was a spectacular game last night.  I watched it in a bar in CT as we waited for Instrument to take the stage.  The best part was that Jamie made it back from Ohio in time for the game and we watched it together.  It would not have been the same without him. We were obnoxious - for that, I’m not proud - but withholding the emotion was just impossible.  We treated the bar to a few rounds of “The Song”, some “Hey, Baby” and, after finding out Jack Parker has won more NCAA tourney games than Jerry York, we treated the bar to a rousing rendition of “Jerry York is a horse’s ass”.

I could link to a dozen stories about the game, and how amazing this team was.  It really was the senior leadership that made this team what they were.  There is no doubt about that.  Out of the seniors, Matt Gilroy was a favorite of mine.  How could you not like a guy who wears 97 to honor his little brother? A guy who pushed for bracelets to honor their number one Starr of the game? (Ms. Starr was a huge benefactor of BU Hockey and a member of the board of the BU Friends of Hockey and she lost her battle with thyroid cancer.)  A guy who passed up in the neighborhood of TWENTY pro offers, who played without a scholarship his senior year, in order to play with his younger brother, Kevin?

I love Matty and I’m going to miss him.  A lot.  I think this article says it all and then some: Matt Gilroy joins an elite group as the fifth player to win both the Hobey Baker award and the NCAA Championship.

This was a magical year, and losing this senior class is going to hurt.  But I can’t thank them enough for letting the fans follow them as they delivered on Petey’s Promise.

Thank you Matty, Smoke, J-Lo, Higgy, Yip, Johnny, and thank you to the rest of the BU Hockey program - including the Dog Pound, Hot Dog & Jesus, and Shatty’s Thing - you made this season incredible and I’m so fortunate I got to be a part of it…

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