August 31, 2009 :: 10:16 AM


jonah :: dodd stadium, norwich, ct :: august 15, 2009

(Using the picture of Jonah again since it was posted on an entry that’s since been removed. Sorry, I like it.)

Lately, I’ve got this “I don’t really like my friends” feeling. It’s not ALL my friends, really… just one in particular, but some days its easier to not like all of them than to keep thinking about the one on an endless loop. (Division = distraction? I don’t know… it’s just how I’m rolling lately.)

From random comments that were totally unnecessary, to engaging in stupid, dangerous activities, they’re just disappointing me left and right.

It’s a person I would have taken a bullet for and trusted to do the same for me. Or I used to.

Which brings me to this whole trust thing.

We don’t always trust the right people and from the outside it may look like they don’t deserve our trust, but it’s what happens over a certain amount of time that solidifies whether or not they’ve earned it. I’ve written before about my Tower of London - the walls you have to breach before I take a bullet for you. It’s not like I’m all “I’d trust you with my life” after 5 minutes. You may THINK I trust you because I’m an open book with you, but you only get to hear what I think you deserve. Romantic involvement (or rumors thereof) or big time crushes aren’t enough to justify that kind of trust. Again, there needs to be a certain history of give and take and proving that you’re worthy. Which is a HUGE reason why their disappearance from my life is killing me. When someone puts you in a position where your friends are worried about your safety, it’s time to let them go.

No. Matter. What.

You would think I would have learned that in the 90’s when I physically restrained him, a suicidal Marine. Little me vs. big, ol’ strong him - I got really lucky he didn’t hurt me. Despite giving him the boot immediately after that, I continued to hold out hope. Then, he reentered my life, caused real physical issues, and I knew I had to say good-bye for good.

I KNOW I can never trust him again…

and it’s freaking killing me emotionally.

It’s not helping that people have gotten involved in this little drama because it’s got nothing to do with them. I really, really, really want to match venom with venom but I’ve opted instead for passive aggression. It’s not a path I’m comfortable taking, but there’s no way I’m going to let the comments slide. Especially when they were among the “let it go” camp, but now that I’m needed and I refuse to help, they forget that.

Hold on, kids. It’s about get interesting around here.