You can say that again.


July 06, 2009 :: 10:12 PM

image

ayuh

I’m at my wits’ end with Soulmate Boy.

I knew that by sending him the email I would possibly reopen the lines of communication. I wasn’t sure it was something I wanted to do… but I was so badly in need of some sort of closure that I couldn’t just walk away without having the final word.

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.

He couldn’t give me the final word. Nope. Not him. Now, I’m left looking at his email and wondering where we go from here.

I don’t have the words I need to tell him what’s going on in my head.  Even if I did, I’m not sure either one of us would want to acknowledge what those words are. As was pointed out at lunch today, “there are some things you just can’t unsay.”  Those would definitely be unsayable words. Really unsayable words. Really, really unsayable words.

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.

If the first letter took ten physical drafts, I’m afraid to see how many drafts my reply will take. I’m already on mental draft # 3, which means there’s still probably a few more of those to go before I can actually write it down.  This one has to be perfect.  It cannot give him room to respond, to apologize, to break the crack in my armor open wider, to rip my still beating heart out of my chest so that he can stomp all over it again. 

Damned if I don’t try. But no matter what I say, it doesn’t go away at all and I’m still unable to get free.*

The sad thing is that even if I say the unsayable things, he will always be there, waiting for me to change my mind and come back to him.

No matter what I do, no matter what I say, I will never be able to free myself of him.

So why am I even bothering to?

*sigh*

(*from “Unable to Get Free” by Blues Traveler)