Conflicted

I got an email asking me why I would choose a friend whose girlfriend accused me of hooking up with him (Hello! MARRIED.) over a guy who used to be my best friend in the whole world.

It wasn’t an easy decision by any means… Choosing to stay friends with the one is tied directly to my social life and a circle of friends I don’t want to lose. Unfortunately, until this blows over (if it ever does - but I have hope), I’ve got to keep some distance between us. I’m fine with that. I’d rather have yet another change to our friendship than have to lose him.  Besides the friendship, we have a business relationship as well. I’m not going to walk away from that.

Choosing to let go of The Boy (the one who, for better or for worse, is my soulmate), was hard, but in the end my health won out. I’m bipolar and I cycle into deep depressions as it is (even with my meds) - I don’t need my “friends” to send me there.  I also don’t need to be stressed to the point where I get sick enough with physical symptoms to take a day off of work. I missed him terribly over the years we weren’t speaking, but in retrospect, I see now that what that last conversation triggered was a harbinger of what was to come.

As I said, I’m not really happy with either decision, but I had to do what was best for me, my health and my sanity. I should walk away from the other boy and keep The Boy in my life.  I know this is probably the best choice on an emotional level, but my heart doesn’t get to make this decision. (Well, it did, but you know what I mean.)

I don’t know… even though I’ve made my decisions and I’m not going to change my mind, I’m still a little conflicted as to whether or not they’re the right ones. I know the decision about The Boy has already made me feel better and I’ll see what happens with the other boy this weekend.  It’ll be our first time in the same room since the accusation, and I’m interested to see how everyone reacts to my attendance.  I’m also scared shitless that it will get ugly, but all I know is my side, and I’ll defend my innocence until the day I die.

At this point, all I can do is hold on tight and enjoy the ride… it’s a good thing I like roller coasters.