I run to be free


November 03, 2019 :: 4:48 PM

I don’t even know how many miles all those medals total…

Last year, after the Universal 5K Fun Run (in December), I wrote a blog entry about how proud I was about my 80 intentional miles and how 35 of those counted towards HRC / WRC medals.

Yesterday, while closing the Nike Run Club app, I noticed that I’ve done 275 intentional miles since Spring Quidditch (in May). My medal rack went from empty to OMG, I need a new one.

Virtual runs. Fandoms. I’ve been made fun of more than once for one/the other/both… but the changes they’ve made in me have been nothing short of amazing.

I didn’t make my ten miles yesterday, and I’m still hoping I can jump from 37 to 50 miles so I can match my Spring Quidditch totals. Right now, that would move me from 274 to 181 in a field of 780 people. (If my math is correct, that would put me in the top 25%! WTAF?)

That’s an accomplishment I never thought I’d reach.

#ForBill is more than a rallying cry to a group of people who lost the House Cup by three points. #Quidditch is more than a bunch of people putting up insane miles over ten days in order for bragging rights. #Hogwarts is more than a castle. #Ravenclaw is more than just a House… It’s family. It’s home.

When we talk about #somuchgood, it’s not necessarily about the fundraising we do for charity… it’s also about the changes we make in ourselves.

*poof*


November 02, 2019 :: 10:27 AM

my binder in scrivener actually has a folder of ‘shit that needs holy water’

It’s November 2nd, which means I’m one day late in starting my NaNoWriMo project.

I wasn’t going to do NaNo this year between running and trying to get myself back into Ukrainian, but my little Yuri On Ice fan fic grew into nineteen chapters and got completely and utterly fucked at about chapter 8. Ten chapters to rewrite…

And then I reread the first 8 chapters and there are too many breadcrumbs leading up to the trainwreck.

I should plot instead of pants.

43,400+ words later, I have the plot but have to do some extensive rewriting. Changing the POV, bringing the characters back IN character. Oh,it is SO. FUCKING. BAD.

I joked on FB that there’s a difference between delete and rewrite and sprinkling some holy water in order to exorcise the bad writing.

I wish I could get away with the holy water… The power of Christ compels you to not be an utter an complete waste of FORTY THREE THOUSAND WORDS!!!!

Too bad life’s not a shitty horror movie and bad writing is harder to get rid of.

Maybe I shouldn’t have read Line and Verse (From Almaty, With Love) before editing.

 

——-


Facebook reminded me that today was the day I found out my boss sold me out to the CFO the day I told him I was bipolar… and that she felt she had to walk on eggshells around me. For over a year.

I’d already asked for a private office, invoking the ADA, and was working frantically with my shrink to get the worst of it under control, but the damage had been done.

Thirteen days from today, they would come into my office at noon and tell me to leave. That I’d be allowed back after I met with their doctor.

Their doctor who made shit up and resulted in writing the report that got me fired.

Everybody who read his report knew it was nothing but lies, but there was nothing I could do. My own doctor was “biased” and not worth talking to.

I thought about suing them and I thought about going after the doctor… but in the end, I didn’t want to fight. I knew how they would talk about me and I couldn’t live with the thought that I’d be that person.

Instead, I live with a case of ‘what ifs’ and some pretty deeply rooted shame.

I can’t help that I’m bipolar. I can’t help that it flared despite my best efforts. I can’t even help the fact that it fucked me so hard that I will probably never recover. Therapy didn’t do shit (and I tried, oh did I try!) and the drugs didn’t work. So I keep on keepin’ on.

It’s all I know how to do.

 

——-


Speaking of the bipolar, I’ve found that running clears my head in a way that the drugs can’t… so I’m doing yet another Racery event. (Spring Quidditch, Battle of the Fandoms 1 & 2, The Whovian Running Club’s Fall Racery event, The Chilton Running Club’s Road Trip, and now, Fall Quidditch.)

It’s a great way to push me to my limits, which I really need right now because I am woefully unprepared for the half I’m running in December.

 

——-


In happier news, I decided to create my own NaNo tracker.

I need to find better Yurio quotes, but I think it’s oddly fitting given that I’m rewriting ‘The Death of the Russian Fairy’. (Which is a working title that I’m not in love with…)

 

Isn’t it awesome? I’m pretty proud of the way I made GoogleSheets my bitch.

Let the insanity begin!


September 02, 2019 :: 10:48 AM

the countdown to september 6th begins

We have a four day weekend because we’re waiting for Dorian to hit. We may have Wednesday off, too, depending on what happens.

As much as I hate the idea of missing work because of a fucking HURRICANE I’m also pleased that the number of days at my soon-to-be former job are winding down quickly.

I would have loved to take a week off between jobs to reset; this isn’t the way I would have wanted to do it, but I’m enjoying the time off.

Even if it is in an unnaturally dark house because all the windows are covered with hurricane shutters…

 

- - - - - - - - - -

Let’s talk about the old job for a moment, shall we?

On Tuesday, the other three people in the finance department found out. Before we left the boss’s office, she said that it was to stay within the department.

On Wednesday, I was pulled into my boss’s office because a person I don’t talk to and a person I couldn’t pick out of a police line-up knew. I didn’t even tell the person in the pod who sits across from me and I would have told her on Monday, but I didn’t.

During that conversation, it came out that Bully #1 was the one that spilled the beans. Tuesday. As soon as my notice became official. Before she flew out the door for her vacation.

Bully #1 is being written up AGAIN… as soon as we get back to the office. This ought to be interesting.

On Thursday, I ate lunch outside for the first time in three weeks. (I’d been eating in my car - nice and quiet and away from the annoying woman I normally eat lunch with). She asked if I was upset. I have nothing to lose so I told her I was angry that words were being put into my mouth, things that I said in confidence were being thrown back in my face and oh yeah, I’m leaving. She said she didn’t know that, so I fired back that I highly doubted it.

Here’s the thing, the two people who knew were in lunch lady’s pod. I haven’t talked to her, and on Tuesday, Bully #1 was seen talking to her before she left. Gee, I wonder…

 

- - - - - - - - - -

Racery starts again on September 6th.

This time, I’m on two teams: Chilton Running Club’s Road Trip 2019: Back to School (WTF is a Crimson) and the Fandom Running Club’s Battle of the Fandoms II (Team on Fire).

So excited to do this - thankfully, the miles count for both teams. I managed 50 miles for Quidditch, a lame 35 for Battle #1. Since I’m training for the half marathon, I’m hoping to pass the 50 miles I did in Quidditch. Ideally, I want to cap (15 miles/day) at least once… I had a hard time getting the 35 miles for Battle #1, but those issues are behind me. I hope.

All the stress I’ve been carrying because of the old job is almost behind me. I just need to survive three (two?) more days.

I’m starting to feel like the old me; the pre-work bullshit me.

Life is getting better. I can work with that.

Crazy is as crazy does


August 24, 2019 :: 11:56 AM

after titty croissants, i give you german speaking dinosaurs

There’s so much to say and so much that shouldn’t be said online…

I don’t talk about the things that really matter to me. Generally, my husband is off limits except for where he plays a small bit part. Today is… different.

As of today, we’ve made it seventeen years as a married couple. It’s been twenty one since we met.

I’ve put him through SO. MUCH. SHIT.

Having him move in within weeks of meeting. Kicking him out of the house we shared. Getting him to come back. The way I fell apart after my dad died. The struggles as I dealt with the bipolar diagnosis. All the crap that went along with that. The move to New England. His joining the Dead Parents Club as a full member. More of my bipolar bullshit… (Meds work. They don’t work. It’s a crap shoot.) The move to Florida for my dream job. The stress that the move caused. The worst bipolar “attack” in years that resulted in my asking for an ADA accommodation. The termination in retaliation for that. The new job. The fact that eight months after that, I’m looking for another new job…

Fuck. I don’t deserve him. He could do so much better than me.

 

—————

So that new job?

Interviewed and hired within a day.

It’s a huge risk, but it has the two things that are most important to me - a relaxed dress code (jeans), and a quiet working space.

I know. Dress code shouldn’t matter but seeing how my current employer made a point to have a powerpoint presentation created to enforce a completely ridiculous dress code? Yeah. I have a coworker who gets in more trouble for violating said dress code than the two bullies do for being assholes.

While I’m talking about the bullies… there was a meeting on Monday and things got worse. MUCH worse. My back hurts from all the stab wounds… and I wasn’t even the one responsible for what happened. Instead, we’re expected to meet with the Controller every Monday as a team, then individually during the week. HR wants us to sit in a circle, hold hands, and sing Kumbaya. Team building doesn’t work when it’s four people working against each other. It would make everything worse.

It was them or me. All the promotions in the world couldn’t change the atmosphere in the pod, so…

If I can’t change the people around me, I change the people around me.

The only Eleven that matters… with a side of sexy Kazakh ice skater


August 18, 2019 :: 7:33 PM

wish i could take credit for that background…

I should be running right now, but I’m stalling… I’ve been writing YOI fan fiction all day and I can’t seem to stop.

Thought switching gears might help. A different voice, different situation… something to pull me out of that headspace so that I can go run.

Not that it’s a bad thing, mind you. I’ve just never had the words flow so easily since moving to Florida. Every attempt at fanfic has gone off the rails somewhere, but today? Today was perfect.

It started out as 3rd person omniscient and was about the Yurio/Yuuri/Victor OT3, but then Otabek came along. Now I’m suddenly writing Otayuri with a side of Victurri mostly from Yuri Plisetsky’s POV (still 3rd person omni to a point, but mostly from the kotenok’s point of view). And fuck. I’m learning Russian as I go. And Kazakh. And Japanese.

Who ever said that writing fan fiction wasn’t a worthy hobby?

 

- - - - - - - - - - -

Things came to a head at work on Friday.

I got a promotion. A better title than the positions I would be interviewing for.

Nothing’s guaranteed, but there will be a meeting on Monday that has the opportunity to drastically change the atmosphere in the Finance Department.

I think I’m going to stay and see what happens.

 

- - - - - - - - - -

This is part of the reason I can’t get the words to stop… Beka’s face about 1:40… DAMN.

 

 

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