Monday, September 06, 2021

Oh no!!!!! BUBBLEGUM!!!

Chucks and a red dress? Yup. Sounds about right.

When I fell into The Deep Dark Place, in that lovely Before Time, you know, the one where I got fired for being sick?

Yeah… Anyhoo. Plenty of warning signs.

Warning signs that have come back.

History. Repeating itself. Something something something.

I can’t remember right now, and I’m too damn lazy to go into the archives, but I think I’ve talked about my new re-addiction to the Sims, yes?

Yeah. I did. Mods and stuff.

OK.

So, I’ve become addicted to not only playing the Sims, but building in the Sims, downloading custom content and mods, and watching Simmers stream on YouTube and Twitch.

I can’t believe people make money playing video games… and that, by watching them play, I’m essentially contributing to their income. (But, seriously, if I ever get to a point where going on Disability becomes a reality? Hook me up.)

Christ. I went totally off the rails, didn’t I?

Before, when I fell into The Deep Dark Place, I’d become addicted to playing LEGO XBox games until I fell asleep on the daybed. Sometimes, I’d get up and go to the bedroom. Sometimes, I wouldn’t.

The same pattern is repeating itself. Except. Sims and a laptop and a desk with two monitors.

It hurts to slam your face into a monitor, btw. I have no idea how I managed that. No seriously. The monitor is waaaay over there! But, I did. And I had the bruise to show it.

What’s that on my face? Oh, I managed to nod off in my office and slam my face into a monitor that is at least four inches away from the nodding off zone.

ANYWAY…

(I would have thought I was too depressed to get manic. Huh. It’s been twenty years since my bipolar diagnosis and I’m still learning how fucked up my head is. Thanks for taking this ride with me. Might want to buckle up. I hear there’s some emotional whiplash coming!)

Um, where was I?

Twitchy YouTubers.

I’m addicted to one (lilsimsie) and for whatever reason I can’t get enough of her streams. She’s playing several legacy challenges - one on YouTube and one on Twitch - and I am so invested in the Nightmare Legacy Challenge she’s playing on YouTube that I should probably up my meds. In my defence, it’s Laugh Out Loud hysterical. The joy of playing a legacy challenge on a short lifespan is that it moves QUICKLY. Her’s is moving super quickly and every twenty minute clip can bring me to tears. Today, two of her Sims aged up and Bubblegum, the cat, died. To hear her shock at forgetting birthdays and the cat dying… Yeah. I was giggling.

And, of course, now I have a Sim who streams on Twitch while he’s getting a degree in Computer Science. Not nearly as much fun as the bipolar judge who grew weed and was a prostitute, though. (Yeah. I gave in and played with some of the naughty mods. Don’t judge. I’m older than 21 and they’re making life interesting.)

 

- - - - - - - - - -

We use QuickBooks at work - plain, old, boring, dysfunctional QuickBooks. Not even the less crappy, but still phenomenally bad, Enterprise version. Premier. Which is a joke and a half.

I hate that to create my WIP report, I need to run at least TWO different reports in QB, export them to Excel, bring in a different report from a different piece of software, and then beg the software to do the thing… and because the report is heavily reliant on VLOOKUPs and pivot tables and all kinds of crap, moving ONE CELL borks the entire thing and then it takes HOURS to fix. I wish I were exaggerating.

So. My answer to that? Because I’m absolutely brilliant?

Microsoft Access.

No. That’s a real program. Honest. It’s their shitty database program, which is of course, WINDOWS ONLY. (Damn, I miss FileMaker Pro!)

But any ways, I did a whole lot of forcing things into QuickBooks in places things were never meant to be forced into. I mean, there is so much customisation that it almost acts like a real piece of software.

So, now I’m down to two reports. One bit of data I’ll need to work around and probably enter by hand since the way to export that particular report will bork everything to such an epic degree that I have nightmares just thinking about it.

Import the Excel into Access. Hit a button. Run a report. BAM! Done.

We won’t talk about how much effort it will take to finish getting the data in QuickBooks to where I actually want it. (Especially after Ida just dumped 600+ new Emergency Service Claims on us.)

The fact is, that once it’s done, and kept up with, this won’t ever be so bad.

Resume Building At Its Finest:
Took absolutely shitty accounting software and developed an Access database query / report to summarise multiple QB exports into one quick, easy to tweak, dashboard.

I am Angry Accountant.

Hear me roar!

roar

Posted by Matty on 09/06 at 07:54 PM
Permalink

Saturday, August 07, 2021

I think about this world a lot and I cry

UConn’s last pure white husky has crossed the rainbow bridge…

I’m a fucking mess right now.

I can’t even deny it… tear tracks are running down my face and I haven’t been able to stop the tears for days. (Other than when I need to pull my shit together for work, of course. They can’t see how broken I am.)

It started with the announcement that Jonathan XII had died.

Yes.

A dog that wasn’t mine… that I wasn’t even close to… is dead and I can’t deal with it.

I suppose, all things considered, I should have seen this coming.

I’m past exhausted.

I’m not sleeping.

I’ve barely been eating.

And, I’ve been waiting for this day.

My complete and utter breakdown.

The day the depression brings me to my knees.

Catharsis.

Why was the death of a dog such a big deal? How could something like that move me to the tears I so needed to shed?

Easy.

Despite my… complicated… relationship with my mother, she was a UConn grad, too. There was always a little bit of me that wished - that still wishes, if we’re to be honest (and when have I ever lied here?) - that she could have been there for those years. She was already dead by the time I was applying for colleges. Didn’t know that UConn was the absolute last school I wanted to go to. Because of her. Didn’t know that it was the only school I applied to. Also because of her… and that’s a story for another time. I’m already fucked up enough without revisiting that time of my life.

Standing at the practice field, staring at the Towers dorms. Dating a guy who actually lived in her fucking building. Having to walk past what was her room. She had left enough of her behind in a scrapbook that I was able to find her fucking room. And I don’t think I ever told the boyfriend that… maybe in passing, but not in enough detail.

SO. UConn. It was a place where I was able to finally define myself as something other than Helen’s daughter (even if I carried that weight around for four years). I lived through so much craziness over four years and I don’t regret a moment of it. We always wind up where we’re supposed to be, even if we don’t know it at the time.

Going to UConn was the beginning of a wild ride… again, it was a decision I will never regret and I will always be proud to be a Husky… and a hussy, because we’re Bus 4, after all. And a white Jonathan will - even after all this time - be my husky.

And the last white one is gone. With a generic husky taking his place.

My UConn is gone.

My mother’s UConn is gone.

Replaced with an imposter.

And, while you may not understand why, it hurts. Badly.

To make matters even worse, I just finished a piece of Drarry fan fic that has brought me to tears over the past two days.

Fuck, I wish I could write like that.

Seriously.

It started with Draco in New York, recreating himself, working with at-risk kids and turning his back on all things magical and Malfoy. He ends up sharing dreams with Harry, and it is like the slowest burns of slow burns. Of course, I didn’t cry when Evan killed himself. I didn’t cry at the too real emotions that Draco was going through. Nope. I bawled like a fucking baby when Harry showed up in New York. And then I cried harder when he left. And then I cried even harder when he came back. It. Was. Beautiful. I love when fics break me like that. I really do.

Oddly enough, that level of heartache spurred me on to clean up the mess I made in the Otayuri fic I’ve been working on… until that vicious editor in my head decided to speak up. Yes, editor, I gave up on the slow burn. No, that wasn’t what I wanted to do. No, there won’t be any age-inappropriate scenarios. Yes, this is all Otabek Altin’s fucking fault. Three drafts, three fucking drafts, and he’s all ‘eyes of a soldier’ and Люди могут забыть, что вы сказали. Могут забыть, что вы сделали. Но никогда не забудут, что вы заставили их почувствовать. People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  (God bless Google and Russian language blogs for giving me the ultimate apology quote…)

But the editor did what they set out to do and, well, imposter syndrome.

So, I just wasted a bunch of time rereading all seven of my published fan fics, all the comments, and just started at my statistics.

I’m never going to be a Sara’s Girl, or bixgirl1, but they all did better than I would have thought.

For me, not you, I submit the following for those days when I feel like I can no longer make the words do the thing good because englishing is hard:

 

 

Posted by Matty on 08/07 at 11:26 AM
#threewordsbipolarso many fandomsUCONNPermalink

Saturday, July 31, 2021

Oh. Fuck.

all I need is a 16 minute mile… and to NOT die

Soooooooooooooooo

Assuming the new wave of Coronavirus doesn’t cancel the races, I’m running both Wine and Dine and Marathon weekends.

Yes.

THE FUCKING DOPEY CHALLENGE. #DOPEY2021 IS REAL (although a year late)

I have no idea what I’m doing - I had planned on skipping the race this year. But it’s the 50th anniversary of the House of Mouse and I plan to be one and done, so why not?

My newsfeed was packed full of people wanting to register so I didn’t think I had a hope in hell of making it in.

Yeah… my luck is never that good. LOL

One more time for those not obsessing over these races with me:

Wine & Dine - 5K, 10K, Half Marathon - 4 medals - one for each race and one for the two course challenge (10K + half). That’s 22.4 miles over three days. The 5K is optional, but why the fuck not? It’s a practice run for January.

Dopey kicks it up a notch - 5K, 10K, Half, Full Marathon - 6 medals - SIX! - one for each race, then the Goofy Challenge (half + full), and then the Dopey medal. None of the races are optional. That’s 48.6 miles over four days.

There is something wrong with me.

Speaking of things that are wrong with me…

I get lost in video games when I can’t get lost in my head. There’s too much noise in there right now as I start to approach being stable.

The mood swings are lessening. The depression is no longer such a heavy weight on my shoulders. (Still there, still affecting the day-to-day, but there is finally - FINALLY!!!!! - a light at the end of the tunnel. AND it’s not a train!)

All because we hired an AP person…. and now I don’t know what to do on the weekends.

But, anyhoo, all that to say, I’m addicted to the Sims 4 again. (I’m also oddly into watching speed builds on YouTube and I still can’t wrap my brain around how that’s a valid form of income…)

One of the Simmers uses two mods that I was really interested in and I decided to try them. (MC Command Centre and UI Cheats) Then I fell down the rabbit hole of custom content and other mods.

There is a bipolar mod. A BIPOLAR MOD.

And one that brings drugs into the Sims. You want to grow weed in your place? OK. You want to sell weed? MMDA? Coke? Heroin? Yup. All of it.

You can even make your sim an alcoholic / stoner / addict. It shows the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ of a chemically altered life.

Of course, I had to check that shit out.

So… I made a sim that highlighted the “best” parts of my mother:

Bipolar? Check

Smokes weed from time to time? Check

Constantly drunk? Check check

Yeah… that sim didn’t last too long before I cheated to get rid of the bipolar and and make them sober.

Plus, you know, I play to escape reality… not live it in a virtual world.

I haven’t looked too deeply into the 18+ mods and custom content because… I don’t know… they feel too dirty for the Sims. But if I were into that… my sims could be a prostitute, run a strip club, be a porn star, make sex tapes, and leave dildos and condoms all over the bedroom. Like seriously… if that’s your cup of tea, you’ll find everything you want and more.

Yeah… that’s not really for me.

It was kind of eye opening to see just how much content is out there, though. I’ve never been into mods and custom content, but I downloaded a bunch of “safe” things - just boring, vanilla, game play modifications.

I’ve got a bunch of things to do this weekend, so I’m going to end it here.

(Besides, there are cows and llamas and chickens to buy after I build my country house in Henford-on-Bagley!!!) MOOOOOOOOO!

(and holy shit - this entire post is textbook mania in a written form. whoops)

Posted by Matty on 07/31 at 09:38 AM
bipolarcompletely randomrunningso many fandomsPermalink

Friday, July 02, 2021

Bork bork bork

just some adorable #otayuri because I can

Oh. My. Fuck.

Please, someone, make sure my tombstone reads “... and she went off into the sunset shouting, NO BETA! WE DIE LIKE MEN!

Life does not need to take direction from some stupid question asked by a stupid teenager on a stupid Facebook group.

Besides, didn’t I say I was the deadest of doves?

A few nights ago, I decided to do Camp NaNoWriMo, because why the fuck not? I’m not working weekends any more and torturing myself sounds like a perfectly good idea.

I set a lofty goal of 500 words during the month of July. Not a typo. 500 words. That’s a whopping 17 words a day.

Why such a low, totally achievable in one day goal?

Because. Ukrainian.

I am going to blog a minimum of 20 words a day in Ukrainian and NOT rely on Google Translate. I’m hoping that I can remember more words than I need to look up, but it’s already day two and I’m out of ideas.

Blogging. In Ukrainian.

Nope. This isn’t a bad idea in the slightest. (The fuck-it factor comes back to haunt me…)

There’s one teeny, tiny, little issue.

My current webhost HATES Cyrillic. For whatever reason, too much Ukrainian causes them to shut my site down. Some sort of protection against Russian bots, I guess.

Despite that, I decided that I would use a domain already set up on this host to blog from and use WordPress. I didn’t want to recreate the wheel, after all. Blogging in Ukrainian is going to be hard enough. No reason to drive myself crazier by needing a whole new blog.

I want to like WordPress. I really, really, do. Shit, I know the person who named it.

But I’ve been with ExpressionEngine since it was still pMachine… and now that it’s on version SIX(!!!) and FREE(!!!), I figured I would try to use EE instead of WP.

Well.

The EE install went bad. Terribly.

I had to update the PHP version and then this thingy wouldn’t work. I downgraded PHP and then that thingy wouldn’t work. The permissions wouldn’t stick.

It was a fucking nightmare.

I decided to go back to WP, because why not. A 1-step install. Even I couldn’t fuck that up.

NO BETA! WE DIE LIKE MEN!

I didn’t need to do a back up. How badly could I fuck up my site?

Badly, in fact.

So badly that I was in tears waiting for tech support to find a backup for me.

So. Yeah.

I ended up installing WP in the wrong directory.

Lost UGCU. Lost GA. Lost WAE.

I don’t even know how I took out Good Advices and With an E considering I installed WP in the UkieGirl directory…

WordPress overwrote my ExpressionEngine index.php file.

I uploaded the original one from the EE download folder.

I uploaded the one from Good Advices and fixed the one setting that I changed.

I uploaded the one from With an E.

*crickets*

They found a backup and GA came back to life. UkieGirl came back to life. With an E has never seen the light of day, but the test page loaded OK.

After that, I decided to move to a new webhost.

I did the 1-step WP install and began to hate life.

I still hate life, but there is no way in fuck that I am doing any of that again.

Posted by Matty on 07/02 at 04:24 PM
completely randompolyglot in trainingPermalink

Monday, June 28, 2021

An apology isn’t worth shit

an apology isn’t worth shit if you don’t know what the fuck you’re apologising for, you asshole

I took my ugly mood the other day and obliterated a relationship it took me three drafts and over 100K words to build.

And I have no fucking idea how to put them back together.

Posted by Matty on 06/28 at 08:31 PM
completely randomso many fandomsPermalink
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