Wednesday, March 03, 2010

I guess this is growing up


derek :: toad’s place, new haven, ct :: january 15, 2010

There is a person in my circle of friends whom I’m not particularly close to, but I find fascinating.

I’m not the only one - during an afternoon out a few weeks ago, someone noticed the same things I did. They were much more charitable in their assessment of this person than I have been in the past. To be honest, I’ve gotten in trouble several times for my views of this person. I don’t understand why there has to be this rift between us, but it’s been there since day one and I used to let it bother me. A lot.

After what I saw a while back, I don’t feel the snark rising the way it used to when they walked into the room. Granted, they’re still fun to make fun of, but lately most of it’s tempered with an overwhelming sense of pity. Their interactions with other people border on needy, fake, forced… even when they’re with their friends and family they don’t look natural. They just look spectacularly fake. It’s like they’re trying to be real, to be normal, but they only come across looking even more fake. It’s a sad, sad, vicious cycle.

I’m completely awkward in social situations. I know this. Even in groups of friends, I can feel like the odd man out. To my knowledge, though, I never been anyone but myself. I don’t try to force myself to fit in. I’ve worked too hard to be comfortable as myself, to accept all my quirks, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I blew myself away with the ability to feel pity for this person.

I never, ever, ever, in a zillion years thought I’d ever feel that way.

When the heck did I become a growed up?

Posted by Matty on 03/03 at 08:28 PM