Sunday, July 25, 2010

Feelin’ groovy


sunset :: i have no idea, ohio :: may 23, 2010

I’ve spent a good chunk of today cleaning out digital camera cards. Yesterday, I found some old fiction that I had written.

I was struck by just how creative I can be when I really want to. A lot of the new people in my life know me as the logical accountant. They don’t really know the person I was before the events that irrevocably changed who I am. It was after I changed that the creativity just went *poof* and vanished. It took a long time for me to get the creative juices flowing again. Sometimes, I don’t think they’re flowing as much as they used to…

I read a book after we finally got my cocktail right that explained how mental illnesses (bipolar, anxiety, OCD, and addiction) were related to epilepsy. (I think both of my meds are for epilepsy. I know for sure one is. Blows my mind…) There was a story in there about an attorney who wrote brilliant briefs and whatever else it is that attorneys write. One day, his depression moved in, and he lost his ability to write. I went through much the same thing in 2001. I can’t recall if he ever rediscovered his ability to write, but I’ve found mine. I like to think that the incessant blogging I did back then kept me connected to that part of myself.

Going through the photos and reading that nightmarish attempt at NaNoWriMo in 2004 gave me a bit of a boost.

My last two successful attempts at NaNo reminded me that I *can* write. Maybe not particularly well anymore, but at least I’m writing.

That whirlwind year following Instrument all over the face of the earth ignited a new passions in me: photography. Instrument also reminded me that road trips and live music are the kind of therapy that helps me the best. Although I’ve stepped back from being That Person That Goes To EVERY Instrument Show because of work, I’m forever indebted to the boys for giving me the opportunity to discover photography, and for providing hours upon hours of therapy.

Reminding myself that I could be creative again, that I AM creative again, gave me such an ego boost. 

I feel more like myself today than I have since the end of May. 

Maybe I have this latest bout of depression on the ropes…

Posted by Matty on 07/25 at 03:53 PM