completely random

Friday, February 28, 2020

Truth.

somebody’s been reading my blog…

Dear South Florida,

I gave up everything to move here.

A house I built.

A job that was OK, but I could have had some real longevity at.

Friends.

Music Therapy.

My entire fucking life.

And what happened?

The stress of the move and not really fitting into the Cats’ mold got me fired. It’s a long story and does not end happily.

Then, I went to a company where being a complete asshole was rewarded and wearing a skirt an inch too short got you written up.

Then, I went to a company that is no longer financially viable.

I’ve spent the last two months wondering if there would be enough in the bank to cover payroll. I was even told to start looking by the CFO. She was pretty great and allowed me to interview.

Until Thursday.

I have this little problem: I live near Boca, but work in Fort Lauderdale. 95 is a shit show at any point of the day. For me to interview up north - where I live - meant leaving wicked early. She was cool with that until I needed to take time today in order to interview. I was taking too much time off and not getting my (totally non-existent) work done.

I was given an ultimatum that was basically stop interviewing or resign.

I resigned. I didn’t know what else to do.

It’s easily an hour to get from FTL to Boca / West Palm. That’s if traffic on 95 behaves. (It doesn’t. Doesn’t matter what time.) If I left work at 5, I wouldn’t get there until after 6. Who the fuck wants to hold a job interview at 6? They were all at 3 or 4 PM. I couldn’t get a “decent” time to save my life.

So… yeah.

My inability to assimilate down here is causing me some serious issues with employment.

Can you please help a girl out and let me find a fucking job with a company that doesn’t punish me for being me?

I’d really appreciate it.

Hugs and kisses,

Me

 

Posted by Matty on 02/28 at 01:21 PM
bipolarcompletely randomPermalink

Saturday, December 21, 2019

The kotyonok and his asshole

it is hard as fuck to slow burn two characters you desperately want together

OK. So. Fun stuff first.

I didn’t win Nano, but the complete re-write of my YOI fan fic is going particularly well.

Telling it from the point of view of a fifteen year old under extreme amounts of pressure has been interesting. My headcanon for him is pretty brutal, but - shockingly - it’s not as bad as I’ve seen in other fics. I’ve given him anger issues, anxiety, everything fifteen year old me experienced long before it had a name. I’m not necessarily making him bipolar, but he’s definitely got issues. I’ve also given him an amazing version of his already pretty awesome grandpa, though. And brought in some of my experiences growing up Ukrainian. A lot of that cultural knowledge has been lost to time - and the swiss cheese my memory has become due to some of my meds - but I’m able to remember enough to google what I need and then find a Russian translation for it.

The biggest issue I’ve had is not digging up the ghosts of my past brushes with undiagnosed mental illness, but instead the fact that Yuri is 15 and Beka is 18. I hate the aged up fics because it feels like Barcelona is just foreplay. The whole side story of Beka meeting him five years prior to the Grand Prix final gets lost when Yuri is suddenly 18 as well. Beka’s a patient man. He’s been waiting FIVE YEARS to spend time with this boy, and instead of it being creepy, it was so well written that you know Otayuri is going to be canon. Later. It’s a slow burn of the slowest type.

I’m not the best with writing slow burns because I’m impatient… but it’s important not to rush this. Granted, the age of consent is low enough in all the concerned countries where it doesn’t matter, but American readers are often squicked out by it. Yuri is considered underaged, which is why he’s aged up by other impatient writers.

It’s challenging to write a young boy who wants everything NOW. Who wants the acceptance of this skater he looks up to. Who actually likes him. Despite the walls he’s built due to his backstory, he really wants Beka in his life. He thinks he loves Beka… On the flip side, Beka’s waited five years. I don’t see any reason why he can’t wait another three. I’ve made it obvious that he has a crush on Yuri, but he has the self-control required to not devour the boy.

It’s been hard, and it’s gone off the rails a few times, (I’ve rewritten one chapter multiple times!) but it’s better for the additional edits.

 

- - - - - - - - - -

OK. Serious stuff now.

Trump’s been impeached.

And he’s not going to pay the price of essentially breaking the law. (Gross simplification. I’m not a political scholar.)

I understand WHY it became a matter of parties. I understand WHY a lot of people say that the Dems wanted to undo the 2016 election.

Hell, I’d been wondering what it would take to impeach him and remove him from office - WHILE HE WAS STILL RUNNING.

He’s an absolutely shitty person and his followers… obviously have no morals. No sense of right and wrong. And his own party condones his shitty behaviour. TWITTER condones his shitty behaviour because his tweets are “important” and “historical”. He’s sexually assaulted women, announced that he could kill someone and people would look the other way, has attacked multiple people for really, what amounts to no good reason. (I mean, John McCain wasn’t necessarily one of my favourite people, but he didn’t deserve to be treated so harshly by Trump.) The reporters, the girl speaking out about the environment…there are so many I can’t list them all. OH! What about wanting to hold the G7 Summit at his PERSONAL property? Emoluments clause, anyone? (Not that that’s the only time foreign officials have visited a Trump property…or that the taxpayers are putting money in his pocket since his visits to Mar-A-Lago are essentially paid for by us.)

And the most mind-boggling bit? The part that drives me up the fucking wall? Trump attacked Greta Thunberg not once but TWICE. His fucking wife who has this anti-bullying campaign, has stayed fucking silent about the fact that her husband, the fucking PRESIDENT, is bullying a SIXTEEN year old girl with Asperger’s. Especially when people think he’s lashing out because she’s Time magazine’s person of the year.

Yeah. That pisses me off.

You have no idea.

I have been hoping and praying that they find a way to remove him from office since day one.

Unfortunately, being a shitty person is not one of the impeachable offences.

He handed the Dems exactly what they needed, but because Trump has visibly pissed the Dems off since day one, it’s definitely caused the impeachment to fall along party lines.

I’m disappointed that the Republicans have decided to protect him at all costs.

I’m disappointed that the Dems can’t figure out how to get a decent candidate in front of the American people… I hate all the front runners, for multiple reasons, some of them - admittedly - not rational.Call it the gut check. I could never verbalise why I hated Clinton and Sanders, either. I just knew I didn’t like them.

I think the impeachment is going to hurt the Dems come this next election and that pisses me off… I wish there were a fair trial coming up instead of this fucking shitshow.

Then again, if I’m going to waste my time on pointless wishes, I might as well wish to go back in time and not move to South Florida. Or I might as well wish for the bipolar behaving itself and not getting fired from my dream job because I had a complete breakdown and couldn’t function. (By the way, I was protected by the EEOC, but they found a loophole. Long story and you’re never going to get the full story here.)

Whatever…

I’m off to binge the Mandalorian… I’m only allowing myself to watch it if I’m on the treadmill. Six episodes at about 30 minutes each is about 3 5Ks or 9 miles at my slower pace. That’s not too bad. I could also make it a game: run full out when Baby Yoda does something adorable or when Mando shows emotion… but then I might be running full out for the 6 episodes. (How the fuck does Pedro Pascal manage to convey so many emotions when you never see his face?!?!?!)

And yes,  I know there are 7, but I’m not allowed to watch it alone and the husband not’s home right now.

Posted by Matty on 12/21 at 08:50 AM
#threewordsbipolarcompletely randompolyglot in trainingso many fandomsPermalink

Monday, September 02, 2019

Let the insanity begin!

the countdown to september 6th begins

We have a four day weekend because we’re waiting for Dorian to hit. We may have Wednesday off, too, depending on what happens.

As much as I hate the idea of missing work because of a fucking HURRICANE I’m also pleased that the number of days at my soon-to-be former job are winding down quickly.

I would have loved to take a week off between jobs to reset; this isn’t the way I would have wanted to do it, but I’m enjoying the time off.

Even if it is in an unnaturally dark house because all the windows are covered with hurricane shutters…

 

- - - - - - - - - -

Let’s talk about the old job for a moment, shall we?

On Tuesday, the other three people in the finance department found out. Before we left the boss’s office, she said that it was to stay within the department.

On Wednesday, I was pulled into my boss’s office because a person I don’t talk to and a person I couldn’t pick out of a police line-up knew. I didn’t even tell the person in the pod who sits across from me and I would have told her on Monday, but I didn’t.

During that conversation, it came out that Bully #1 was the one that spilled the beans. Tuesday. As soon as my notice became official. Before she flew out the door for her vacation.

Bully #1 is being written up AGAIN… as soon as we get back to the office. This ought to be interesting.

On Thursday, I ate lunch outside for the first time in three weeks. (I’d been eating in my car - nice and quiet and away from the annoying woman I normally eat lunch with). She asked if I was upset. I have nothing to lose so I told her I was angry that words were being put into my mouth, things that I said in confidence were being thrown back in my face and oh yeah, I’m leaving. She said she didn’t know that, so I fired back that I highly doubted it.

Here’s the thing, the two people who knew were in lunch lady’s pod. I haven’t talked to her, and on Tuesday, Bully #1 was seen talking to her before she left. Gee, I wonder…

 

- - - - - - - - - -

Racery starts again on September 6th.

This time, I’m on two teams: Chilton Running Club’s Road Trip 2019: Back to School (WTF is a Crimson) and the Fandom Running Club’s Battle of the Fandoms II (Team on Fire).

So excited to do this - thankfully, the miles count for both teams. I managed 50 miles for Quidditch, a lame 35 for Battle #1. Since I’m training for the half marathon, I’m hoping to pass the 50 miles I did in Quidditch. Ideally, I want to cap (15 miles/day) at least once… I had a hard time getting the 35 miles for Battle #1, but those issues are behind me. I hope.

All the stress I’ve been carrying because of the old job is almost behind me. I just need to survive three (two?) more days.

I’m starting to feel like the old me; the pre-work bullshit me.

Life is getting better. I can work with that.

Posted by Matty on 09/02 at 10:48 AM
completely randomrunningPermalink

Saturday, August 24, 2019

Crazy is as crazy does

after titty croissants, i give you german speaking dinosaurs

There’s so much to say and so much that shouldn’t be said online…

I don’t talk about the things that really matter to me. Generally, my husband is off limits except for where he plays a small bit part. Today is… different.

As of today, we’ve made it seventeen years as a married couple. It’s been twenty one since we met.

I’ve put him through SO. MUCH. SHIT.

Having him move in within weeks of meeting. Kicking him out of the house we shared. Getting him to come back. The way I fell apart after my dad died. The struggles as I dealt with the bipolar diagnosis. All the crap that went along with that. The move to New England. His joining the Dead Parents Club as a full member. More of my bipolar bullshit… (Meds work. They don’t work. It’s a crap shoot.) The move to Florida for my dream job. The stress that the move caused. The worst bipolar “attack” in years that resulted in my asking for an ADA accommodation. The termination in retaliation for that. The new job. The fact that eight months after that, I’m looking for another new job…

Fuck. I don’t deserve him. He could do so much better than me.

 

—————

So that new job?

Interviewed and hired within a day.

It’s a huge risk, but it has the two things that are most important to me - a relaxed dress code (jeans), and a quiet working space.

I know. Dress code shouldn’t matter but seeing how my current employer made a point to have a powerpoint presentation created to enforce a completely ridiculous dress code? Yeah. I have a coworker who gets in more trouble for violating said dress code than the two bullies do for being assholes.

While I’m talking about the bullies… there was a meeting on Monday and things got worse. MUCH worse. My back hurts from all the stab wounds… and I wasn’t even the one responsible for what happened. Instead, we’re expected to meet with the Controller every Monday as a team, then individually during the week. HR wants us to sit in a circle, hold hands, and sing Kumbaya. Team building doesn’t work when it’s four people working against each other. It would make everything worse.

It was them or me. All the promotions in the world couldn’t change the atmosphere in the pod, so…

If I can’t change the people around me, I change the people around me.

Posted by Matty on 08/24 at 11:56 AM
bipolarcompletely randomPermalink

Sunday, August 18, 2019

The only Eleven that matters… with a side of sexy Kazakh ice skater

wish i could take credit for that background…

I should be running right now, but I’m stalling… I’ve been writing YOI fan fiction all day and I can’t seem to stop.

Thought switching gears might help. A different voice, different situation… something to pull me out of that headspace so that I can go run.

Not that it’s a bad thing, mind you. I’ve just never had the words flow so easily since moving to Florida. Every attempt at fanfic has gone off the rails somewhere, but today? Today was perfect.

It started out as 3rd person omniscient and was about the Yurio/Yuuri/Victor OT3, but then Otabek came along. Now I’m suddenly writing Otayuri with a side of Victurri mostly from Yuri Plisetsky’s POV (still 3rd person omni to a point, but mostly from the kotenok’s point of view). And fuck. I’m learning Russian as I go. And Kazakh. And Japanese.

Who ever said that writing fan fiction wasn’t a worthy hobby?

 

- - - - - - - - - - -

Things came to a head at work on Friday.

I got a promotion. A better title than the positions I would be interviewing for.

Nothing’s guaranteed, but there will be a meeting on Monday that has the opportunity to drastically change the atmosphere in the Finance Department.

I think I’m going to stay and see what happens.

 

- - - - - - - - - -

This is part of the reason I can’t get the words to stop… Beka’s face about 1:40… DAMN.

 

 

Posted by Matty on 08/18 at 07:33 PM
#threewordscompletely randomso many fandomsPermalink
Page 3 of 65 pages  < 1 2 3 4 5 >  Last ›