My brain is weird

Saturday, September 16, 2023

Гей! Нумо, козаки по конях (Нумо, козаки, гей!)

Good Advices dot com in a nutshell… I hope

I’m doing a racery event for the next ten days for my virtual running club.

I know.

This is not a surprise.

For as much as I hate running I do it a lot… more than I would prefer to, that’s for sure.

But here’s the deal:

I’m running for a Handmaid’s Tale themed team and we’re supporting The Center for Reproductive Rights.

The Center for Reproductive Rights is a global human rights organization of lawyers and advocates who ensure reproductive rights are protected in law as fundamental human rights for the dignity, equality, health, and well-being of every person.

We envision a world where every person participates with dignity as an equal member of society, regardless of gender.

Where every woman is free to decide whether or when to have children and whether to get married; where access to quality reproductive health care is guaranteed; and where every woman can make these decisions free from coercion or discrimination.

So. Yeah.

I’ve never before tried to fundraise here and I’ve been more careful about posting my real name and photos of my face here. I suppose I should just go back and edit old entries, but I don’t care. If you really want to go THAT far back, well, you deserve a medal. Or maybe a stiff drink? A lobotomy? Maybe a pony?

Anyhoo.. my team name is OfFRC (FRC is my running club’s name.) and you can donate on the team’s page. If you want to, you could donate to me as well, if you know how to find me. My avatar is currently the same as my FB profile picture.

Also, there is a girl on my team with a very similar first name and my last initial. That is not me. If you click on me, you’ll see my full name.

If linking to the fundraiser outs me, then so be it.


- - - - - - - - - -

I just tried to log into my Wendell Gee gmail account with the user name WendellGrr1985.


I’m not even angry at anything right now.

Except, maybe, my writer’s brain.

The words, they will not come.

I have all kinds of world building done and I’ve sketched out some bits, but actually writing the story is kicking my ass. I’m like a paragraph into the actual story and…nothing.


- - - - - - - - - -

I guess since I started talking about running, I might as well finish by talking about running.


I know I talked about them before, but I tried again last night.

I walked for about 8 minutes of the first mile because I couldn’t get the damn interval timer to work and then I started. I used 15 sec run and 45 sec walk as I didn’t feel like killing myself with a 30/30 - I’ve not felt well this week at all. Bunch of causes. No cures.

I did a mile at 15 sec run / 45 sec walk. I ran at 4.0 mph (15 minute mile) and walked at 3.3 mph (18 minute mile). I ended up averaging a 17 minute mile. A mile slower than Disney requires - and I am NOT interested in crossing paths with the balloon ladies in November.

For the last mile, I upped it to 15/45 with a 4.3 mph run (14 minute mile) and stayed with the 3.3 mph walk. I averaged a 16:42 mile.

I understand the underlying math and physics behind intervals, but I didn’t feel like I was moving faster. As a whole, I had one of my slower 5Ks ever, but I couldn’t walk at full speed while I was fucking with the app.

It’s amazing to see how they work.

I’ll be hopping on the treadmill soon - I’m waiting for The Ick to pass and then I’m going to attempt a 10K with intervals. I’ll probably stick to the 15/45 ratio at 4.0/3.5 (17 minute mile) for most of it. Maybe I’ll bump it to 4.5/3.5 for the second 5K. I always manage to finish with negative splits. It just takes me FOREVER to get going.

For future me: pace tables found here and run-walk calculator found here .


- - - - - - - - - -


I’m not sure what does it for me - thinking about the Kozak dancing in the video (because OMG it cracks me up!) or the beat - but it is one of my favourite songs to run to.

Posted by Matty on 09/16 at 10:29 AM
#threewordscompletely randommusic is lifeMy brain is weirdrunningso many fandomsWritingPermalink

Monday, September 04, 2023

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.

I certainly don’t write for the money.

In case you were wondering, the 2012-2022 NHL CBA is 540 pages of the driest legalese to ever exist.

I don’t even know how I got a copy of it, other than the fact that I worked in the NHL. There’s no real reason for me to have it, but I’m glad I do.

I make no secret of the fact that I write a lot of M/M fan fiction or read a lot of it.

Seriously, my Kindle Unlimited account history bounces between horror and gay fiction. I tried joining two different book clubs… I figure life is hard enough; why suffer through a book club’s suggestions? Read a biography? Why? Nobody interests me that much.

Anyhoo… professional writers will say that you need to read a ton to be able to write better. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but I’ve always been a reader. Maybe that’s why I love to write. I write the stories I want to read. The ones that only exist in my head. Do I ever finish them? Rarely, but the writing is what’s important. Even if I have six WIPs right now, it feels good to write until I get bored with the plot or stuck because my characters don’t play nice.

Wow. That went in a completely different direction.

Let’s try this again:
I make no secret of the fact that I write a lot of M/M fan fiction or read a lot of it.

Seriously, my Kindle Unlimited account history bounces between horror and gay fiction. “Professional” writers will say that you need to read a ton to be able to write better.


For whatever reason, there’s a TON of hockey romances being written. Gay fiction is not immune to this phenomenon, and well… I’m in the middle of a quest to read EVERY. SINGLE. BOOK. in this very specific sub-genre. (Sub-sub-genre? Whatever.)

Which brings me full circle to the CBA.

I hate world building. HATE IT. It’s the main reason I love fan fiction. Unless it’s an AU, there’s no reason for it.

Everyone who would read Harry Potter fan fic knows the stories, either from the movies or the books.

Everyone who would read Teen Wolf fan fic is probably familiar with the MTV show (not the 1980s movie. Oh, fuck, no.) - except for me. I had NO idea what I was getting into when I followed some random tag on AO3 and wound up reading Sciles. (YUK!). There was a deep dive into the show and yeah, I did it ass backwards, but I quickly fell in love with Sterek, Steter, Stetopher. (OK. So I’m obsessed with Stiles. What about it?)

Taking Harry Potter out of Hogwarts and putting him in a non-magical, hockey, universe seems relatively simple. He and Draco are on separate teams, they hook up over the All-Star break, then they hook up every time they play each other… smexy times happen, and then they wind up on the same team, and not so smexy stuff happens before the guaranteed HEA.


I can’t write the same sort of hockey fic the others write - where they gloss over the world because people have a basic understanding of pro sports. Some of them write beautiful descriptions of the game, but leave out everything and anything that helps show the true behind the scenes life of a hockey team.

I’ve worked in Community Relations, worked on the arena management side, and worked in an accounting department for both an arena and a team.

I understand entry level contracts and the salary cap. I understand the fear of being traded after making a city your home. I understand the pressure of winning a Cup.

I understand players and the game in a way that the other authors don’t.

And it’s leading me to get bogged down in world building.

I know it’s worth it, because it’s what I feel is missing every time I read one of the hockey books. (See? I write what I want to read.)

I’ve got team names, mascots, schedules, QMJHL / OHL teams, prep schools and colleges… I’m working on the NHL Draft and teammates right now.

I’ve got Harry being from Roxbury, a sort of rough Boston suburb. He’s poor, living with the Dursley’s and generally looking to escape - just like the ‘real’ Harry. Draco, on the other hand, is rich and privileged, and also looking to escape.

It’s important to me that people know how the Draft actually works and what an entry level contract looks like. What being bounced between the minors and the NHL looks like because that’s Harry’s path through the world of the NHL. A lot of those things will inform his decisions and make him the person he becomes. (Much like learning magic and facing down Voldemort every year forced him to become Harry Potter, the Savior of the Wizarding World.)

But, holy fuck, it is hard.

I’m a pantser. Never a plotter.

Writing something this detailed is so outside my comfort zone that I’m actually kind of enjoying it. I do need to plot the fuck out of it, though. Otherwise, nothing would make sense and I’m writing the same kind of ‘they meet, fall in love, become afraid to come out, love conquers all’ bulllshit I’m currently reading. (Yeah. I said bullshit. I’m trying to find that unicorn in all the gay hockey fiction… but we all know unicorns don’t exist. Won’t stop me from reading every single book, though.)

I’m also fighting the point of view issue.

In one of my HP fan fic groups, there was a HUGE discussion over POV in fics. Apparently, they have to be 3rd person limited since that’s how JKR wrote the story. (Fun fact, the first chapter of the first book - Philosopher’s Stone, thank you very much - is actually 3rd person omniscient; it’s a quick and dirty bit of world building, but as effective as anything I’ve ever come across.)

I like writing in 1st person, 3rd person omniscient when the mood strikes, but I can’t figure out how to tell this particular story. Do I write it strictly from Harry’s POV? Do I sprinkle in a little Malfoy? Does Harry tell his story in his own words or is it told from a distance?

I’m leaning towards 3rd person limited, because reasons, but it feels too limited to me. (HA!!!!)

I don’t know.

I sat down to write this entry thinking it would help me figure shit out, but now I’m more unsettled than before.

Oh well.

Maybe I’ll work on some Ukrainian stuff and maybe the website I started like a month ago and let this stuff get worked through subconsciously?

That actually sounds like a pretty good plan…

So yeah.

До побачення!

Posted by Matty on 09/04 at 09:36 AM
completely randomHockeyMy brain is weirdso many fandomsWritingPermalink

Sunday, August 20, 2023

Big man sticks and tight tunnels

You can force the girl out of hockey, but you can’t take the hockey from the girl


What have I just done?!?

So a little while ago, I had posted that I was going to write a piece of original fiction (het, no less!) in response to all the hockey books I’ve been reading.

The fact that my female MC is aro/ace has completely thrown me for a loop. I have no idea how to write her. At all.

I even purchased some books and joined some FB groups, hoping that would help.


I’m more confused than ever.

Jump to last night - in one of my Drarry groups, a girl mentioned how she hated the words “entrance” and “member”, and wanted to know if we had any pet peeves / problems with certain words.

I said that I was OK with hole and entrance because, no matter where, it’s a receptacle and meant to receive. I have more issues with descriptions for the things being received. Like man (something) as in, “He poked his big man stick into her tiny tunnel.”

And that one sentence just… just… created all kinds of fucking chaos.

So, apparently, I’m now writing a Drarry hockey AU.

Posted by Matty on 08/20 at 10:34 AM
completely randomHockeyMy brain is weirdUCONNWritingPermalink

Friday, July 07, 2023

Ти знайеш хто я???

Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you. - Nietzsche

I battle with monsters all. the. fucking. time.

Guess that explains a lot.

- - - - - - - - - -

So. That void kitty up there is Finn. He was supposed to be named Phineas after one of the characters in A Separate Peace by John Knowles. It’s one of my favourite books and one I don’t revisit nearly enough.

But. Somewhere along the line, he became a Finnegan.

I’m his person and I can’t tell you how healing that little asshole is. He’s amazing.

We also adopted another kitten, Sophie.

She’s not a void kitty. She’s actually white with some gray tabby colouring.

So. Night and day. Literally.

Even in their personalities… where he’s a total and complete extroverted asshole, she’s a shy lovebug.

I’m not sure why she’s so skittish still, but it is what it is. But like Apache, when she wants loving from you, she will NOT be denied.

I am also her person… when she lets me be.

They have made me indescribably happy. Maybe not enough to keep the worst of the depression away, but it’s something.

- - - - - - - - - -

Let’s see… what’s happened since Memorial Day-ish? Besides bringing home a little ray of sunshine and an asshole?

My email account either got spoofed or hacked… I’m not quite sure. All I know for sure is that I was getting like 100 bounce backs a day. Apparently, I have control of your computer and if you don’t pay me in a bazillion bitcoins, I’ll share that naughty stuff on your hard drive with the world.

To be completely honest, I have no idea what a bitcoin actually is and I can’t be bothered to find out why I would want some.

I went to my webhost and, instead of taking any action, they told me it was MY fault and then directed me to a bunch of knowledge base articles. Not a single bit of customer service to be found… I decided to take my business elsewhere.

Not a spur of the moment decision even though it looks like it. I’ve been having problems with them on and off for years, but I was too lazy to do anything about it.


Last year, I hosted a test blog on HostGator, using WordPress. (insert vomiting emoji here…) I liked HG, hated WP, but decided to cancel the hosting after the one year term was up.

I decided to go back to HostGator and transfer my entire digital life to them. This blog and 7 domains.

Well, the domain transfers went relatively well until they didn’t.

Apparently, I hit some limit with the domain transfers, triggered some fraud alert, and they locked me out of my entire account.

Even better, the email that told me why wound up in spam. If I hadn’t been exporting important email messages, I would have never known.

I went through this whole thing with them:

How am I supposed to prove the domains are mine? No, I’m not sending you copies of my bank statements or my drivers license via an unsecured email… and we were at a stalemate. Finally, I sent them screen grabs of the bank’s app.

Still couldn’t get in.

Talked to support and showed them what I had sent. They told me they needed a PDF. Of a bunch of pictures. But whatever.

I showed it to the person I was chatting with and they told me it was OK so I sent it off.

Still locked out.

Chatted Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday… all of them telling me that my information was still being reviewed and they would “escalate it”.

We’re at two weeks now. TWO WEEKS.

Finally, the person I talked to on Thursday told me the ticket had been closed. ON SATURDAY. The day I was told what I was submitting was OK.

I gave up and sent them a copy of my bank statement. Completely redacted except for three lines. (So really, what was the point? I could have faked the document by that point.)

And I finally got access to my shit again.

Just so I could transfer it to yet another web host.

After being with NameCheap for a billion years, I moved GA twice in the space of a few weeks. And the two email accounts I was keeping.

I do not recommend doing that.

So… I’m off of work today taking a much needed mental health day and decided to post this entry.

The website, this blog, my fucking baby, broke.

Borked beyond belief.

The guy at A2 was super helpful and told me I was his favourite support call because I was having a good time.

What else could I do? If I don’t laugh about this nightmare at this point, I’m just going to cry.

And honestly? I’ve been doing a lot of that lately and I am OVER IT.

- - - - - - - - - -

Hmm… what else happened?

(doo dah doo dah)
(oh the doo dah day)

This is especially heartwarming because the Cats made it into the finals for the first time in franchise history.

They also lost a really good player in the Vegas expansion draft because they wanted to trade away a shitty one… and I’m pretty sure at least one of those names will be engraved on Lord Stanley’s Cup.

As I told several people, the Cats shit all over my dreams. I really hoped Vegas would shit all over theirs.

I think at this point, I have earned the right to be that vindictive because I have been dealing with the emotional upheaval that team caused me for years now.

I’ve actually debated posting part of my termination notice and I’m still on the fence about that. (WHAT? THERE’S SOMETHING I WON’T TALK ABOUT?!?! Dude, I talk about dicks, I’ve written about my struggles keeping two of my fan fic characters from engaging in statutory rape, I’ve written - ad nauseum - about my mental health. Yeah. Not a lot of boundaries here…)

But anyway, the part that (still) kills me - the part I absolutely CANNOT get over - is where they said that there was a possibility that I would never get better and they couldn’t keep my position open for an undetermined length of time.

I’m fucking bipolar.

I was diagnosed when I was 26 - right after my father died.

I’ve been under a doctor’s care in one way, shape, or form due to that since then. So, I was what? 43 when they shitcanned me.

43 multiplied by the square root of cheese, divided by pi equals… hold on. I need to write a ridiculous excel formula to do that math.

Where was I?



Seventeen years of therapy on and off.

Seventeen years of altering my internal chemistry to adjust for the fact that my body cannot produce what it needs for me to be a fully functioning human.

Seventeen years of pretending to be a fully functioning human and (mostly) succeeding.

But. You know. I might never get better.

Like I have any control over my broken brain.

I’m about as good as I’m ever going to get… and that’s the part that I can’t shake.

So yeah…



Posted by Matty on 07/07 at 09:09 AM
bipolarcompletely randomMy brain is weirdPermalink

Sunday, May 21, 2023

A Man and His Moose

A very unusual story and very amusing - I had to read it twice!


A Man and His Moose
A True Story by Wendell Gee, Fourth Grader

Softly and silently, he crept into the car and drove to Westown Pharmacy. Little did he know I was in the car watching as he bought a mini Hallmark reindeer.

When he got home, he carefully took off the tags and called this poor reindeer “Herbie the Moose” (Maybe because this man works for the company with a moose!)

This is what this man and his moose did: they went in the car together and they walked around the house together, When they went in the car, Herbie was on the steering wheel or the dash. When they walked around the house, Herbie was on this man’s head.

When I bug him, he sends Herbie, his “attack moose” after me! Remember when Burger King was having their Herb ads? This man would make his Herb say, “Daddy! Daddy! They want me! They want me! Daddy, please bring me to Burger King so we can be $5,000 richer!” and this man would say “why would I only be $5,000 richer? I thought it was $10,000,” and Herbie would say, “I want half!”

When Herbie makes me mad, I send him flying! But, when that doesn’t work, I put him in some of these: freezer, sock/underwear drawer, the cellar, behind the couch, or in my puppy’s mouth.

When this man uses Herbie, I think he is getting senile early. Sometimes, he puts Herbie in front of a petrified cow turd and says Herbie is taking a poop!

This man I ought to know because he is my Dad.


The “company with a moose” logo. NOT a moose, btw…

Herb commercial

The best picture they have of him is one where he’s literally holding a bowling ball in front of his face… This was considered one of the biggest flops in marketing history, as the year-long campaign never caught on and nearly sunk Burger King altogether.

I am absolutely DYING at the video description. Also, upon reflection, I think the bowling ball thing is the inspiration for the #geeselfie tag I’m fond of using on the Book of Faces. (Don’t tell me advertising doesn’t work!)

The original

Dude, what the fuck was up with that handwriting?!?!?!

Also - that fucking cow turd.

He bought it somewhere as a random souvenir during a trip to Texas. That thing… wow. I haven’t seen it or thought of it in DECADES, but.

I can picture it perfectly.

Shall we say hashtag scarred for life? Because. Yeah. Abso-fucking-lutely.

Posted by Matty on 05/21 at 01:01 PM
completely randomMy brain is weirdWritingPermalink