bipolar

Saturday, December 07, 2019

I run, therefore I am

as 2020 looms large over the horizon, I’ve found a new way to define myself

I was supposed to run a 5K last night and a half marathon tomorrow.

I ended up deferring both. The 5K was the first to go because of work. When I had originally signed up, I was at a different job. This week my boss was on vacation and I forgot to ask before I left for Thanksgiving. I ended up deferring the half because I keep fucking up my back when I run. The 5K and 10K over Thanksgiving week just about killed me. My sciatica was acting up and when it wasn’t, the pain was still unreal. I had to take time off to heal, which meant there was no way I’d be ready.

I’m heartbroken. This was my test. To see what I needed to do before Disney. I WILL NOT BE A DNF. I WILL NOT ALLOW IT. I don’t know what that means, but I have a month to figure out how to get there without the benchmark I so desperately wanted / needed. 

I did a LOT of research. A metric fuck-ton, to be exact. I know it doesn’t replace having a doctor look at it, but what I found described everything perfectly. I have a plan that involves more stretching, some that I hadn’t even thought of. I searched the Nike Workout app and found a few workouts that fit the bill. I’m going to reach out to a yoga instructor I know and she what she can offer me.  I’m excited to get going.

I was going to run the 5K last night (at home), but my night got blown to shit. We had to leave the office because they were painting. I tried to work from home and it was a disaster. Such a disaster that I ended up working an hour later than I wanted to because our West Coast office forgot I’m on the East Coast. (Bastards!)

I’m going to run the 5K today and the half tomorrow (at home, on the Deathmill) as well. It won’t be perfect, but it will give me an idea of how I’m going to perform.

I’ve even got a running plan sort of figured out for 2020… including the insanity of the Random Tuesday racery events.

I’ve set the lofty goal of doing the Dopey Challenge in 2021. My biggest hurdle is going to be the marathon, because I’ve already committed to 11 IRL races. ELEVEN. And three of them are halfs. We’re not even going go talk about the 7 guaranteed PHRC races, the 6 WRC races, and whatever the FRC decides to release.

- - - - - - - - - -

I’ve taken a break from Facebook. I log in about once a day, look at my fanfic groups, hang out in the Tower, check on select friends. When I post now, it’s about running because running is safe.

I can’t look at my newsfeed. The memories of happy days with the Cats. The reminder that I got fired. (Yesterday was the year anniversary of my official termination.) The endless stream of hockey stories, videos, photos that clog some of my favourite peoples’ feeds.

I just can’t. It’s too triggering.

One of my hockey loving friends texted me a photo before bed a few nights ago… It took me two Ativan before I could calm down enough to be rational. I’m only supposed to take two if shit is REALLY bad. It was beyond bad.

I thought I might go back in January but after that night, I may wait until hockey season is over. In April.

I don’t miss it as much as I thought I would.

Posted by Matty on 12/07 at 09:21 AM
#threewordsbipolarrunningPermalink

Saturday, November 02, 2019

*poof*

my binder in scrivener actually has a folder of ‘shit that needs holy water’

It’s November 2nd, which means I’m one day late in starting my NaNoWriMo project.

I wasn’t going to do NaNo this year between running and trying to get myself back into Ukrainian, but my little Yuri On Ice fan fic grew into nineteen chapters and got completely and utterly fucked at about chapter 8. Ten chapters to rewrite…

And then I reread the first 8 chapters and there are too many breadcrumbs leading up to the trainwreck.

I should plot instead of pants.

43,400+ words later, I have the plot but have to do some extensive rewriting. Changing the POV, bringing the characters back IN character. Oh,it is SO. FUCKING. BAD.

I joked on FB that there’s a difference between delete and rewrite and sprinkling some holy water in order to exorcise the bad writing.

I wish I could get away with the holy water… The power of Christ compels you to not be an utter an complete waste of FORTY THREE THOUSAND WORDS!!!!

Too bad life’s not a shitty horror movie and bad writing is harder to get rid of.

Maybe I shouldn’t have read Line and Verse (From Almaty, With Love) before editing.

 

——-


Facebook reminded me that today was the day I found out my boss sold me out to the CFO the day I told him I was bipolar… and that she felt she had to walk on eggshells around me. For over a year.

I’d already asked for a private office, invoking the ADA, and was working frantically with my shrink to get the worst of it under control, but the damage had been done.

Thirteen days from today, they would come into my office at noon and tell me to leave. That I’d be allowed back after I met with their doctor.

Their doctor who made shit up and resulted in writing the report that got me fired.

Everybody who read his report knew it was nothing but lies, but there was nothing I could do. My own doctor was “biased” and not worth talking to.

I thought about suing them and I thought about going after the doctor… but in the end, I didn’t want to fight. I knew how they would talk about me and I couldn’t live with the thought that I’d be that person.

Instead, I live with a case of ‘what ifs’ and some pretty deeply rooted shame.

I can’t help that I’m bipolar. I can’t help that it flared despite my best efforts. I can’t even help the fact that it fucked me so hard that I will probably never recover. Therapy didn’t do shit (and I tried, oh did I try!) and the drugs didn’t work. So I keep on keepin’ on.

It’s all I know how to do.

 

——-


Speaking of the bipolar, I’ve found that running clears my head in a way that the drugs can’t… so I’m doing yet another Racery event. (Spring Quidditch, Battle of the Fandoms 1 & 2, The Whovian Running Club’s Fall Racery event, The Chilton Running Club’s Road Trip, and now, Fall Quidditch.)

It’s a great way to push me to my limits, which I really need right now because I am woefully unprepared for the half I’m running in December.

 

——-


In happier news, I decided to create my own NaNo tracker.

I need to find better Yurio quotes, but I think it’s oddly fitting given that I’m rewriting ‘The Death of the Russian Fairy’. (Which is a working title that I’m not in love with…)

 

Isn’t it awesome? I’m pretty proud of the way I made GoogleSheets my bitch.

Posted by Matty on 11/02 at 10:27 AM
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Saturday, August 24, 2019

Crazy is as crazy does

after titty croissants, i give you german speaking dinosaurs

There’s so much to say and so much that shouldn’t be said online…

I don’t talk about the things that really matter to me. Generally, my husband is off limits except for where he plays a small bit part. Today is… different.

As of today, we’ve made it seventeen years as a married couple. It’s been twenty one since we met.

I’ve put him through SO. MUCH. SHIT.

Having him move in within weeks of meeting. Kicking him out of the house we shared. Getting him to come back. The way I fell apart after my dad died. The struggles as I dealt with the bipolar diagnosis. All the crap that went along with that. The move to New England. His joining the Dead Parents Club as a full member. More of my bipolar bullshit… (Meds work. They don’t work. It’s a crap shoot.) The move to Florida for my dream job. The stress that the move caused. The worst bipolar “attack” in years that resulted in my asking for an ADA accommodation. The termination in retaliation for that. The new job. The fact that eight months after that, I’m looking for another new job…

Fuck. I don’t deserve him. He could do so much better than me.

 

—————

So that new job?

Interviewed and hired within a day.

It’s a huge risk, but it has the two things that are most important to me - a relaxed dress code (jeans), and a quiet working space.

I know. Dress code shouldn’t matter but seeing how my current employer made a point to have a powerpoint presentation created to enforce a completely ridiculous dress code? Yeah. I have a coworker who gets in more trouble for violating said dress code than the two bullies do for being assholes.

While I’m talking about the bullies… there was a meeting on Monday and things got worse. MUCH worse. My back hurts from all the stab wounds… and I wasn’t even the one responsible for what happened. Instead, we’re expected to meet with the Controller every Monday as a team, then individually during the week. HR wants us to sit in a circle, hold hands, and sing Kumbaya. Team building doesn’t work when it’s four people working against each other. It would make everything worse.

It was them or me. All the promotions in the world couldn’t change the atmosphere in the pod, so…

If I can’t change the people around me, I change the people around me.

Posted by Matty on 08/24 at 11:56 AM
bipolarRandomnessPermalink

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

I solemnly swear I am up to #somuchgood

happy birthday to me

I know it’s a stupid piece of metal holding other stupid pieces of metal (and one piece of wood), but I am sooooooo pleased with this.

We won’t talk about all the other medals I need to complete.

Seriously. We’re not going to.

 

- - - - -

Things are settling down.

I’m starting to find a rhythm. A method to the madness.

A way to tolerate a BLT sandwich that isn’t particularly fond of lettuce.

Yeah. You probably don’t want to know.

 

- - - - -

I just put our schedule up on the whiteboard.

Holy shit, we’re going to be busy this summer.

 

- - - - -

Had the best birthday ever -  TWO trips to Universal.

One with my little brother from another mother and his family. So nice to spend time with him.

One by myself. Which was even better. I fucking love going to Universal by myself.

The best part of going to Universal (besides spending all day in Diagon Alley and HOT butterbeer (HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!)) was when I bought ice cream for that mom and her daughter at Florean Fortescue’s Ice-Cream Parlour. There was something about the two of them that made me wish it wasn’t the 26th anniversary of my mother’s death on the 18th or the fact that my father died when I was 26.

Yeah. For not liking numbers, there’s a certain symmetry that’s always bothersome when the numbers line up like that.

Anyhoo… they were behind me in line and there was something about them. (Yes, I know I already said that.) When I offered to pay for their ice cream, the mother hugged the shit out of me. The cashier wouldn’t stop telling me how amazing I was for doing that.

But, in truth, I did it because I was jealous of their relationship.

Because that’s the best fucking reason to do something nice for someone, right?

I never said my actions make sense.

 

- - - - -

In other news, no more Sims. That’s a pretty good thing.

Working on my Drarry fanfic again after putting it into time out. (Why did I have to fuck up a perfectly good Drarry fic with soulmates and Weasley twins? Soulmates, pffffffft.)

Continuing work on my Yuri!!! on Ice fan fic, too. I think I’ve mentioned what a little shit Yurio is, so he’s been a lot of fun to write.

Reread my 2017 NaNoWriMo Teen Wolf (trainwreck of a) fic. I think there’s a lot of potential there, but I’m knee deep in two other fandoms. I’m good at multi-taking, but that’s way too many voices in my head clamouring for attention.

Oh. Wait. I can’t talk about the voices in my head. That’s bad.

Can I talk about hearing the fucking Hamilton soundtrack on a never ending loop in my head? It’s the earworm that refuses to go away. For weeks now, I can’t replace it with ANYTHING else. And, so help me Dog, have I tried…

Hallucination or earworm?

You decide. I’m going to bed.

Posted by Matty on 03/26 at 08:53 PM
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Wednesday, March 06, 2019

Yurio is my spirit animal

I might be an asshole, but I’m your asshole

We have two IRL 5Ks coming up: one in March and one in April or May (I’ve forgotten). I’ve earned so many medals from the Potterhead Running Club (formerly known as the Hogwarts Running Club) that I need to think about a real medal display now. I’m pretty excited about that. It means that I’m putting in the miles and those are intentional miles - miles that I’ve gone out an walked on purpose, so that’s pretty cool.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever run or if I’ll graduate from 5Ks, but right now, I’m all about the bling and trying to enjoy the ridiculous weather down here.

In the past month or so, I’ve become addicted to the Sims again. This is both a good thing and a bad thing. I’m in a weird headspace and the more I try to define it, the messier it gets. The Sims is a safe place for me right now. I’m all about the safe places.

In other news, we found a Doggy Shrink and hopefully we can schedule a meeting. I’d really like to wean Guinness away from day care because I am tired of paying for it. He’s seven, turning eight, this month. He should be able to stay home a day or two every week.

Made the Wonder Hubby watch Yuri!!! On Ice. Have to say, I was pleased by his reaction. I didn’t think he’d get into it, but he was laughing when he was supposed to, and asking questions about the show. I’ll take it. YOI has made me so happy since I discovered it. Plus, Josh Grelle is coming to SuperCon and I can’t wait to have him sign my Blu-Ray case.

Speaking of YOI, I’m working on my fan fic and it’s changed drastically from the original idea. (I apparently can’t say that the characters have told me to piss off and that my only job is to take dictation because that means I’m hallucinating or some such bullshit.) In the beginning, I was working on a Victurri fic that takes them from Barcelona to St. Petersburg, filling in the gaps of that final episode. However, Yurio won’t leave them alone. So my little OTP fic has become an OT3 fic because that ever evolving monster won’t back the fuck off.

I am rather enjoying writing a very angry little cock blocker, though, so I guess i can forgive him. For now. That doesn’t mean I’m going to make it easy on him. Not while he’s strutting around in his leopard print shoes and Russian team jacket, wearing cat ears and hating the world… You are totally going to suffer for a few chapters, you sexually confused, permanently scowling little shit.

Also, Otabek Altin exists and he is the perfect character to come in and fuck shit up. I mean, look at this shit:

 

How amazing is that?

I’m about to have SO. MUCH. FUN. taking dictation…

Posted by Matty on 03/06 at 09:43 PM
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