UCONN

Saturday, August 07, 2021

I think about this world a lot and I cry

UConn’s last pure white husky has crossed the rainbow bridge…

I’m a fucking mess right now.

I can’t even deny it… tear tracks are running down my face and I haven’t been able to stop the tears for days. (Other than when I need to pull my shit together for work, of course. They can’t see how broken I am.)

It started with the announcement that Jonathan XII had died.

Yes.

A dog that wasn’t mine… that I wasn’t even close to… is dead and I can’t deal with it.

I suppose, all things considered, I should have seen this coming.

I’m past exhausted.

I’m not sleeping.

I’ve barely been eating.

And, I’ve been waiting for this day.

My complete and utter breakdown.

The day the depression brings me to my knees.

Catharsis.

Why was the death of a dog such a big deal? How could something like that move me to the tears I so needed to shed?

Easy.

Despite my… complicated… relationship with my mother, she was a UConn grad, too. There was always a little bit of me that wished - that still wishes, if we’re to be honest (and when have I ever lied here?) - that she could have been there for those years. She was already dead by the time I was applying for colleges. Didn’t know that UConn was the absolute last school I wanted to go to. Because of her. Didn’t know that it was the only school I applied to. Also because of her… and that’s a story for another time. I’m already fucked up enough without revisiting that time of my life.

Standing at the practice field, staring at the Towers dorms. Dating a guy who actually lived in her fucking building. Having to walk past what was her room. She had left enough of her behind in a scrapbook that I was able to find her fucking room. And I don’t think I ever told the boyfriend that… maybe in passing, but not in enough detail.

SO. UConn. It was a place where I was able to finally define myself as something other than Helen’s daughter (even if I carried that weight around for four years). I lived through so much craziness over four years and I don’t regret a moment of it. We always wind up where we’re supposed to be, even if we don’t know it at the time.

Going to UConn was the beginning of a wild ride… again, it was a decision I will never regret and I will always be proud to be a Husky… and a hussy, because we’re Bus 4, after all. And a white Jonathan will - even after all this time - be my husky.

And the last white one is gone. With a generic husky taking his place.

My UConn is gone.

My mother’s UConn is gone.

Replaced with an imposter.

And, while you may not understand why, it hurts. Badly.

To make matters even worse, I just finished a piece of Drarry fan fic that has brought me to tears over the past two days.

Fuck, I wish I could write like that.

Seriously.

It started with Draco in New York, recreating himself, working with at-risk kids and turning his back on all things magical and Malfoy. He ends up sharing dreams with Harry, and it is like the slowest burns of slow burns. Of course, I didn’t cry when Evan killed himself. I didn’t cry at the too real emotions that Draco was going through. Nope. I bawled like a fucking baby when Harry showed up in New York. And then I cried harder when he left. And then I cried even harder when he came back. It. Was. Beautiful. I love when fics break me like that. I really do.

Oddly enough, that level of heartache spurred me on to clean up the mess I made in the Otayuri fic I’ve been working on… until that vicious editor in my head decided to speak up. Yes, editor, I gave up on the slow burn. No, that wasn’t what I wanted to do. No, there won’t be any age-inappropriate scenarios. Yes, this is all Otabek Altin’s fucking fault. Three drafts, three fucking drafts, and he’s all ‘eyes of a soldier’ and Люди могут забыть, что вы сказали. Могут забыть, что вы сделали. Но никогда не забудут, что вы заставили их почувствовать. People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.  (God bless Google and Russian language blogs for giving me the ultimate apology quote…)

But the editor did what they set out to do and, well, imposter syndrome.

So, I just wasted a bunch of time rereading all seven of my published fan fics, all the comments, and just started at my statistics.

I’m never going to be a Sara’s Girl, or bixgirl1, but they all did better than I would have thought.

For me, not you, I submit the following for those days when I feel like I can no longer make the words do the thing good because englishing is hard:

 

 

Posted by Matty on 08/07 at 11:26 AM
#threewordsbipolarso many fandomsUCONNPermalink

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

and it goes a little something like this…

if i had a ukie textbook, it’d definitely win the ‘thrown book’ award,
but handouts don’t fly through the air quite as nicely

The University of Basketball does it again… whoo-hoo.

——

I’ve been working hard on the Drarry fanfic and thinking about how fucking hard it is to keep characters in character. I had the same problem with the other fandoms, too. I suppose I’ll get over this one as well.

It’s just that I have a very concrete idea of how utterly broken both men are. The things that Harry went through his entire life… I see a guy with PTSD who is terrified that the peace won’t last, that suffers from a bone crushing depression when he looks at his life in terms of the people he’s lost. I see Draco as wanting to be redeemed. He was afraid at the end, when he had to kill Dumbledore and he was unsure of the choices he’d made. He was weak. He was human. He’d transcended whatever it was that being a Malfoy meant. Whether or not JKR meant for him to be ‘read’ that way, I did. I always sympathized a little bit with Draco. (I don’t know why…I just did.)

So… anywhoo… it’s just that these are two very different paths for these characters to take and they don’t quite wind up that way in canon, do they?

*sigh*

——

Baczynsky’s - in the East Village - the Ukrainian meat market that kept my Easter baskets full of kielbasa and kobanos when I was growing up does fucking MAIL ORDER. I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I am by this news. I don’t go into to the City (EVER!!!) and since I lost my connection, this has been a kind of huge problem. The local Polish deli makes, well, POLISH kielbasa and kobanos and it doesn’t quite taste the same. I don’t need to worry any more and I. Am. Ecstatic.

——

Conjugating Ukrainian verbs sucks. How did I ever survive Latin and it’s six noun declensions (six each singular and plural)? Gah.

——

I have a serious hard on for this album. I mean a serious hard on. I cannot, I repeat CAN. NOT. stop listening to it. I’m catching words here and there and I try to sing along, but it’s been a struggle. A fun struggle, a very loud, very fun, struggle, but a struggle nonetheless.

I think there really needs to be some sort of program on personal music playing system thingies that keeps you from listening to the same album for weeks. This can’t be healthy, no matter how much I’m enjoying it.

 

Posted by Matty on 04/09 at 07:55 PM
#threewordscompletely randompolyglot in trainingUCONNPermalink

Saturday, February 08, 2014

*sigh*

he’s one damn fine human being…

In case you can’t read that:
Amberly: I need this retweeted by you to show my family that being gay isn’t always something you choose. They think I’m broken. Please. @Markgatiss

Mark Gatiss: Not a choice @Amberly29519238 - a gift. Be happy and strong. x

(For those not in the know, although I have no idea how you can not know this if you’re a regular reader, Mark Gatiss (pronounced GAY-tiss, BTW) is a co-creator and writer on my beloved Sherlock (BBC). He’s also written for Doctor Who. And… he’s married. To a dude.)

This isn’t the first time he’s done something like this, and I totally adore him because of it.

It almost offsets the Moffat factor. But not by too much, since he still lets Moffat write episodes of Sherlock. *sigh*

——

In a more serious note, my divorcing friend pissed me off the other day.

I’d finally had enough and snapped at them via text.

Told them that they seriously needed to figure out how to rewire themselves. This default position of wanting to give up and/or threatening suicide (it’s really one and the same, isn’t it?), is old, is tired, and is not fair to those of us that love them.

I mean, seriously, I’m starting to feel that it’s a cry for attention. At any rate, it’s fucking obnoxious.

And I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but it felt good to call them out on it.

I mean, me, of all people, saying something like that… to someone I feel is shattered beyond repair.

I’m an arsehole… I know that.

I haven’t heard from them since, and I’m (frighteningly) OK with that.

There has been too much drama, and despite my promises to tolerate it, and not walk away, I just can’t deal with it.

They wonder why they’re getting divorced…

If they could only read the texts they sent me from my point of view - or even their spouse’s - they’d see just what sort of damage they’re capable of inflicting and why we’re not willing to put up with it.

I offered to let them live with us because I felt like I was backed into a corner - suicide or a homeless shelter - and neither one is acceptable.

I shouldn’t have made the offer. Once things calmed down, it hit me hard what an amazingly terrible idea that is.

I can’t handle them from a distance… living with them has the potential to absolutely destroy me.

So now, I’m back where I started from - wanting to run as far as them as I possibly can, and needing to stay and support them as long as they make the right decision, of course.

Can’t stand by and support a dead person, can I?

——

In happier news, my boss absolutely loves me. He said as much yesterday.

I got my business cards. If that’s not a sign of permanence, I don’t know what is.

I got an official invite from the Department of Athletics to go to their monthly finance meeting. The other staff accountant didn’t, and he’s the one who is supposed to be working for them full time. I’m supposed to be working for the other building we manage, which is not affiliated with the University in any way, shape, or form.

It makes me wonder - especially since everything’s been so confused and fucked up because of the mess we were thrown into on day one - what my role actually is is. What I’m being groomed for. I have my ideas, of course, and they thrill me beyond belief.

I tell everyone who asks how much I love this job, and it’s the truth. I could not be happier. The universe certainly made up for fucking me over the past year.

I love it to the point that when BU played my employer last night. I was tempted to cheer for both teams. (I love both sets of boys - the school I was supposed to go to and the one that funds my paychecks.) Hockey East is getting more complicated…UConn, my employer, BU. Our neighbours in 114 are going to end up hating me next season. *grin*

And on that note, it’s time to look for a hack to my never ending external drive issue and get the power button on my MBP fixed.

Woo!!!! I am living it up today! Jealous?

Posted by Matty on 02/08 at 10:19 AM
#threewordsbipolarcompletely randomFriendsHockeyso many fandomsUCONNPermalink

Friday, December 20, 2013

Five days and counting…

twelve arrives and a sherlock mini-episode… i may just explode

I put up lights in my office.

Put up the tree.

Listened to “How the Grinch Stole Christmas.”

Sang along to the New Kids on the Block Christmas album.

What the everloving fuck is wrong with me?

——

I can’t write Cabin Pressure fan fic for the life of me right now… I just can’t ‘hear’ the characters in my head anymore. I’ve got to go back and listen to the episodes again. Including “Molokai” (the Christmas episode! WOOO!).

Sing it with me now:

Get dressed, you merry gentlemen! Let nothing you dismay! For it is Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Day! It’s Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas Day! It is Chri-i-i-i-istmas Day, Chri-istmas Day! It is Chri-i-i-i-ismas Day!

——

So.

My contact at the Polish Consulate is apparently a big fat liar. Or clueless. I don’t know which one is worse.

I received my package back today with a letter that says they do not do public records searches for genealogy purposes. I’m trying to apply for citizenship, via my grandfather, but I need his birth certificate first. The woman I spoke with knew that, told me what to do, where to send the information to, blah blah blah, so I did.

And now I need to start all over again.

——

Other random bits: I found my Delta Sigma Pi ritual book from 2002-2003.

I remember using it with my kids at Bowling Green and Michigan. Xi struggled to be a good chapter, but Theta Pi was amazing that year, down to the ritual. I was so proud of those kids, my heart still swells with joy when I remember watching the pledges become Brothers. Theta Pi’s also the reason I won District Director of the year in the region and the district.

I remember how disgusted I was that my Brothers totally disregarded the ritual when they voted someone back into National Office who had supposedly done some questionable things with some underaged girls. Is it true? I don’t know. All I know is that the Brother was suspended and removed from his leadership position. There were also rumours of him stealing from his chapters. Again, is it true? Fucked if I know, but the allegations were strong enough for him to be removed.

I can’t (of course) quote the ritual directly, but the vow we take basically says, “I won’t do anything that will fuck over the fraternity.”

He violated that vow, and I’m still a little bitter over it.

I took that shit seriously back then, and I still do now.

I am, and I will always be, Delta Sigma Pi, Theta Iota, Seven-One-Four.

Posted by Matty on 12/20 at 08:49 PM
#threewordscompletely randomUCONNPermalink

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Fan fic love

I needed another pick me up:

Stats as of 11/10/2013:
PARIS: 10 subscribers, 504 hits, 23 kudos, 2 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

HARTFORD: 10 subscribers, 433 hits, 23 kudos, 8 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

IT WAS ALWAYS THERE: 1 subscriber, 1018 hits, 11 kudos, 0 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

Stats as of today:
PARIS: 12 subscribers, 773 hits, 32 kudos, 5 comment threads, 1 bookmarks

HARTFORD: 10 subscribers, 476 hits, 28 kudos, 8 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

IT WAS ALWAYS THERE: 2 subscriber, 1056 hits, 11 kudos, 0 comment threads, 3 bookmarks

I’m a little surprised that PARIS lost bookmarks, but I now have 3 author subscriptions which is pretty cool…

I also received a comment today that they want ANOTHER sequel (which they will get). After that, it’s a 30 Day OTP Challenge and who knows after that… I don’t see myself NOT writing more Cabin Pressure fic, but right now, I can’t see myself writing more after the Challenge, either. I’m so deep in Johnlock that editing ZURICH! feels weird. I guess we’ll have to see.

——

Tonight is UConn vs BU at BU, which will definitely be weird. Next season, UConn joins Hockey East so this will be a regular occurrence, which will be even weirder. I never thought I’d see the day when the UConn hockey program would play in such an elite league…

My friend, and fellow UCMB band geek, Bill is coming with me, so that will be cool. We’ll both be in full UConn regalia and I can’t wait to see the looks on our friends down there in Section 114, Rows A and B. We’ve known these people for YEARS and I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned being a UConn grad. They’ll know now. *grin*

Posted by Matty on 11/17 at 09:08 AM
#threewordsHockeyso many fandomsUCONNPermalink
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