Monday, May 27, 2013

My life - tumblr style

“The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.”

I see this quote all over the place lately - normally paired with Doctor Who graphics, because, honestly, it seems to fit the Doctor the best. (Especially Ten for some reason. Oh, wait. I know the reason and it’s called DOOMSDAY. Damn you, RTD! You’re almost as bad as Moffat.)

It reminds me of all the outreach I tend to do on tumblr. All the kids who talk about cutting, suicide, depression… Yeah, my time on tumblr is not ALL about reblobbing pictures of hot English boys. I am a growed up sometimes. (I know! ME! A growed up.)

Some days, I feel like I missed my true calling. I know I’m making a difference to some of these kids and I wonder if I’d be better served getting paid to help others learn from my shitty experiences. Then again, I’m a little too damaged to be of much use most of the time.

I spend way too much time trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. And that’s even without being unemployed. Understandably, being unemployed cranks it to twelve.

Why else would I have two college degrees?

I’ve been spending today wondering what day my interview with the CPA firm will be. All I know right now is that it’s at some point this week. Wondering if it’s really the path I want to go back down.

Let’s be honest, shall we?

—CRAZY ALERT—I really, really, really, REALLY enjoyed tax season. It made me feel, I don’t know, kind of alive? It pushed me to my limits, education-wise.—END CRAZY ALERT—

I even liked working on clients’ books and closing the months.

I didn’t like the management. I didn’t like the summer.

Will it be different this time?

I don’t know.

And it’s the not knowing that scares the shit out of me.

I don’t want to take the first job offered to me, even though I need to get back to work. Like NEED to… but I’m afraid of passing up a good job for one that’s still only a possibility. I’m nervous about the CPA job because it’s through a recruiter and those employers normally are quicker to hire.

Of course, there’s still the issue that the one position I think I could love has a lot going against it. 

Screw it.

I’m going back to school to become a therapist.

The writing bug

If he’s not the most adorkable thing you’ve ever seen, then I don’t know if we can be friends.

——

I reread my Johnlock fan fic this morning, and I still really like it. That’s a first. Normally, after a NaNo, I’ll try to pick the story up so I can end it. I cringe at every single word in those 50K monsters. Every. Single. Word. Sometimes, I like the general idea of the story and I’ll try to rewrite it, but… Anne Lamont says you’re supposed to write a shitty first draft. That that’s completely fine. But what happens if you write something WORSE than a shitty first draft?

I am the Queen of the Worst-Than-Shitty-First-Draft.

Which is exactly why nothing I write for fun ever gets finished.

Which is exactly why I like the idea of writing for a living, but know it will never happen.

I’m OK with that. There were a lot of things I wanted to be when I grew up: a veterinarian, an Olympic gymnast, a fire man, a boy, a writer, normal.

I think it’s safe to say that I’m none of that.

Except I guess I’m technically a writer - writers write and I definitely write. Here, there, everywhere. The journals I’ve kept my entire life. My blogs. Stories. But not for profit, and I’ve always considered a writer someone who gets paid. So yeah, not a writer.

Anyhoo.

Now that I’ve actually written something I like, I want to write more.

Specifically fan fic.

It’s easier to play in someone else’s sandbox than to have to build your own. Everything you need is there: a world, characters, situations. You just need to know your characters inside and out. (Hence, the thousands of viewings of Sherlock during my leisure hours. It’s a good thing I really like the show. *grin*)

I suppose now the issue is whether or not I want to continue writing Johnlock or if I want to move on to something else.

If that’s the toughest choice I have to make right now, today, I guess that’s a good thing.

If not a little pathetic.