Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Real life example: broken down

So, a few days ago, I received a request to write down what it was like in my head during a depression cycle. I said sure and then promptly wondered how the hell I was going to manage that.

Enter R.E.M.

Yesterday, after the entry went live, it ruffled just about the number of feathers I figured it would. (An un-alarming number of people told me to “get over myself and stop being such a fucking drama queen.”) Then the same person who started all this asked me to write the “true side” of each comment.

I bring you a cut, pasted, edited version of yesterday’s entry. Truth and lies.

——
Today I woke up to R.E.M.‘s “Everybody Hurts”.

Specifically, the lyric “Everybody hurts, take comfort in your friends.” Seriously. That’s the first thing I heard. The timing was ridiculously perfect.

My brain automatically started in:
- What friends? You don’t have any friends. Bullshit. I have PLENTY of friends. Some are the take off the shelf once a year types, others are more frequent visitors to my world.

- When was the last time you heard from any of your so-called friends? That’s right. Forever ago. Also not true. It’s mostly Facebook communication, but there’s a lot of chatting going on either publicly or privately.

- They don’t like you. They never liked you. VERY NICE, SUBCONSCIOUS. Misquote “Rocky Horror.” Running out of material, are we?

- They only hung out with you out of pity because you’re pathetic. They hang out with you because you’re a nice person and funny as fuck when the mood strikes.

- Tell the truth: you’re skipping the party because you know you only got invited because they felt they had to. The party is Saturday night in CT. I have a 10AM WIT with the Muchachos Drumline on Sunday. You tell me if you’d be able to do both…I know my limits and I know that’s not going to happen. I am very bummed by this fact, but I need the ensemble practice. Plus, I committed to the Muchachos. My friends will understand.

- The comment to “Leave your drama at the door” was meant for you and you only. Um. No. Just. No.

- They don’t want to deal with you and your shit. Possibly true. The depression is hard for my friends to deal with. I get that. It’s why I try to hide it from them.

- You’re alone, alone, alone. Again, no. I have lots of people in my life. Some I like, some I don’t, but I am never alone.

—-

As Jenny once said, DEPRESSION LIES. It is the cruelest bully I’ve ever met.

It’s hard to deal with, it’s harder to explain.

I invite any of you who feel that I should just “get over myself” to spend a day like yesterday in my head. I was so upset ALL day over stupid shit that wasn’t true, but once it takes root, it’s all over.

I can’t take anti-depressants, but before I discovered that, I noticed that they didn’t help anyway. My particular biology trumps science when it comes to depression lately.

And it sucks.

But I do the best I can to deal with it. After all, life goes on whether you want it to or not.

Posted by Matty on 12/12 at 09:26 AM
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