Wednesday, November 28, 2012


I was expecting a lot out of a $300 backpack.

It came last night and it’s definitely a tough mother. It should be - it’s been field tested at the GORUCK Challenge. There’s a small matter of having to carry 6 bricks in it during the Challenge, losing “strap privileges”, and all other kind of fun things which put a lot of stress on the various parts of the bag. I’ve seen the pictures. Those bags get beat up and they look even better after a good hose-down (scroll down to the bottom).

I’m meeting with a trainer tonight who has heard of the GRC, and she’s actually excited to help train me. It’s a CrossFit gym, and to be honest, the thought of working out at a CrossFit scares the crap out of me. But, research has shown it’s the best workout to do if you want to survive the GRC. So I’ll suck it up.

I still can’t put into words WHY I want to do this, but J doesn’t think I’ve totally lost my mind for wanting to do it. That’s a good thing…

The goal now is Salem, MA at the end of May… but the only reason it’s been pushed off twice now is due to other commitments. If it gets pushed off again it will because of timing. I want to make sure I’m ready for this - physically. I can’t guarantee mentally, but then again, I can never control what goes on in my head. My body is another matter.

Posted by Matty on 11/28 at 01:44 PM

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Finding happiness is up to you.

Diagnosis is a factor of functionality. Psychiatrists will only diagnosis and treat what impairs your ability to function. Not function perfectly. The pills aren’t magic. They become necessary when your ability to function becomes impaired enough that it significantly impacts your quality of life. Psychiatry, like every other branch of medicine, is not designed to make you happy. It is designed to make you functional. After that, finding happiness is up to you.—Michael Schofield, Jani’s Journey

I could never, ever, ever, in a zillion years say it better than that.

Posted by Matty on 11/24 at 02:10 PM

Friday, November 23, 2012

Then don’t mind me, ‘cos I ain’t nothin’ but a dream…


misha, jared and seb :: fun with photoshop :: gishwhes 2012

I had the weirdest dream about my father the other night. One so very weird, and upsetting, that it still makes me kind of sick to think about it.

The weirdest, most upsetting, thing? It’s not the normal dream I have about him: the one where I find him and then the fast forward to having to ID him in the funeral home before they cremate him. I can deal with that one… this new one? Not so much.

It’s funny that it happened right before Thanksgiving, too.

I miss him a lot around the holidays, but Thanksgiving seems to be the worst lately. Worse than even Christmas…

So anyhoo, iTunes decided to cough up this oldie but goodie. You’ll pardon me while I’m off in the corner bawling my eyes out, right? 

Come see where your eyes cannot see.
And close your eyes, child, and look at what I’ll show you;
Let your mind go reeling out and let the breezes blow you,
Then maybe, when we meet, suddenly I will know you.
If all the things you see ain’t what they seem,
Then don’t mind me ‘cos I ain’t nothin’ but a dream

Ritchie Havens - “Follow”



Posted by Matty on 11/23 at 06:03 PM

Monday, November 19, 2012

Jenny Lawson is evil. EVIL, I say.

So, I had that total Red Dress Moment, where it did exactly what I needed it to do. It brought me to a place where I could grant myself that moment of silliness, of strength, of… well, all those things I got out of wearing a red dress for a few hours.

That led to me doing GISHWHES. I can’t even begin to tell you what that did for me. It really was life changing. I am not the same person I used to be before that.

And now, I have the “silly” goal of earning my “GORUCK Tough” patch for my new GR1.  It HAS to be earned. By passing the Challenge, which is ~20 miles and ~10 hours of what is basically a slice of Special Forces training. I’m nowhere near in shape enough for this, so I just emailed a gym. My goal is the March 16th challenge in Boston, by I may travel to do a later one. (For more info: The GORUCK Challenge)

Yes, I justified dropping $300 on a backpack. Made in the USA, made for combat, made by a company led by a pretty fucking awesome person (or so I’m told, but that intel is from someone I really trust). Yeah, it’s a $300 backpack, but it’s so much more than that…

Who would have thought that wearing a red dress would lead to so many positive changes and a return to who I really was before the bipolar took hold and basically ruined my life?

Posted by Matty on 11/19 at 09:54 AM

Wednesday, November 14, 2012


Shut up, Peanut Gallery.

First up, another piece of ‘brilliance’ from the mad mind of Misha Collins.

And secondly… THIS. I have no idea why except it took root in my head one day and I said “I want to be able to say I did it.”

I’m going to blame Jenny and G.I.S.H.W.H.E.S. for this.

Hell, while I’m blaming people for my new descent into insanity, I might as well blame Katniss Everdeen.

I don’t know… maybe it took hitting miles below rock bottom and clawing my way out to fully understand that the red dress IS more than just a red dress… The traveling red dress isn’t always red.  It isn’t even always a dress.  It’s anything you’ve always wanted but denied yourself because you thought it was too silly.  It isn’t.  Joy is always worth it.  Go and find your personal red dress, my friend.

And wear the hell out of it.

I can handle anything Misha throws at me, but the GORUCK Challenge just might kill me… and I know either way I’ll come out the other side just fine and dandy.

Posted by Matty on 11/14 at 05:39 PM
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