Sunday, May 08, 2011

I don’t know what to say…

For whatever reason, I’ve been thinking of my grandfather today. When I’d go to my grandparents’ house, he’d always take me to Carvel. I could practically smell the store and taste the ice cream this morning. So odd. So random.

I was poking around Facebook and looked at my cousin’s profile. Granted, it’s locked down and all I could see was her profile picture, but she had a baby.

A baby. God, that made me feel old. She’s seven years younger than I am, and it’s just so weird that she’s old enough to get married and breed. I’m obsessed with finding out what she named it. Like it would help matters.

You know, growing up, the Ukie side of my family was pretty tight knit. Then my mother died and everything got beyond screwed up. My aunt stole money from me, placed a restraining order on my father and I, and cut me off. She was like a mother to me, my cousins like siblings, and it was all gone. I tried to keep in contact with them, but it was hard, strained. When my father died, she told me she was glad because he killed my mother. That was pretty much the last straw.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I wanted to reconnect with my cousins, but I couldn’t deal with the thought of dealing with their mother. Eventually, we did reconnect, but it didn’t work out. The last time I saw her, I gave the eldest all my mother’s jewelry since I didn’t want it and my mother was her godmother, and I got shit on in return. I should have expected it. Like mother, like daughter.

I wonder what my grandparents would think about this. This wasn’t how they raised us. ALL of us.

One great mother spawned two evil ones.

I don’t get it.

I shouldn’t spend my Mother’s Day thinking about the two mothers I hate more than anything, but this bullshit Hallmark holiday always brings out the worst in me. I wish I had a mother to spoil today. More than anything, I wish I had one or the other (or in my wildest dreams, both), in my life. But they’re both dead to me and that breaks my heart.

Yup. Happy Mother’s Day, ya’ll.

I’ll be hiding under a rock until today is over.