Saturday, April 30, 2011

Ten very, very, very, long, years


my imaginary hockey boyfriend, chrisco :: agganis arena, boston :: february 2010

I have a friend who vanishes - like POOF! vanishes - when she’s in turmoil.

I prefer to shut down… not necessarily shut people out, although it may look like it. I’m not that social a person, so when I shut down, it’s hardly noticeable. I think.

I would really like to shut down now. I was scheduled to shut down this weekend, but life had other plans for me.

Like pain. Physical pain. Lots and lots of pain.

When I finally got the patella tracking thingy in my knees confirmed, the ortho found that I was flat footed and a little knock-kneed, which complicated the patella issue. So I got lifts in my shoes. Two weeks ago, I had a terrible pain in my back. Thought I slipped a disc or something. Nope. My GP thinks, judging by how the pain seems to radiate from my hips, that I’ve managed to basically pull those muscles out of place and shift the joints by wearing the lifts. Fucking. Awesome. I’ve been living in my Chucks for about a week now, since they’re very possibly the worst shoe I can be wearing since they offer no support of any sort.

I’ve pretty much been out of (physical) commission.

And then, because life didn’t suck enough, we moved into our new office space this weekend. Boxes. Lots and lots of boxes. And stairs. Oh, God, the stairs! Granted, I have a very cool office I’m calling the penthouse suite, but I had to carry! heavy! boxes! up! stairs! I thought I consumed lethal amounts of ibuprofen, but I’m still here, so maybe not.

All that to say, that ten years ago, on April 30, my father didn’t answer his phone when I called. From 6:30 AM to Noon. I flew over there in tears, fearing the worst. The landlord had to let me into his apartment because he hadn’t given me my key yet.

And there he was on the couch.


The raw emotion of this milestone has been overpowering, but we’re still shorthanded at work and I had a move to deal with. I’ve been trying to push it back, to make it go away. I need to get through the move. I need to get through the backlog of work I created when I pushed it all aside to pack boxes. I need to deal with a totally hellacious budget meeting on Monday with a computer that refuses to see ANYTHING on the new network. No POS software, no QuickBooks… It’s been an interesting weekend… and it’s only Saturday afternoon.

All I want to do is break down and cry, and mourn, and miss my daddy.

But I can’t. Not this weekend. No matter how badly I need it…

Posted by Matty on 04/30 at 07:18 PM