Friday, August 28, 2009



ben :: dodd stadium, norwich, ct :: august 15, 2009

(Using this picture again since the original post it was featured in has been taken down. Sorry, but I like it!)

I went out to dinner with a friend on Wednesday and we were talking about various things, but the conversation kept coming back to key facets of my personality.

I had had an interesting conversation with the Honey at the Hungry Tiger show a few weeks ago which hit on a lot of the same points.

It’s very interesting to me to see that both of them came to the same conclusion from two very, very, very different angles.

On the drive home from Portsmouth, both conversations kept playing in my head and it struck me that not only is 2009 the year of clarity, closure, cookies and stupid boys, it’s also the year that I started to really define who I am.

I came to terms with my relatives. Some I’ve let go for good, despite wishing things could be different. It was hard to decide to let them back in, but surprisingly easy to say goodbye.  It’s true: apples don’t fall far from their trees… and I knew exactly what type of apples they were. On the other hand, I let some back in. I’m working on letting them in all the way. Any of the reasons I had to distance myself from them have since been resolved. I honestly thought the results would have been the opposite of the reality. Eh. I’ve been known to be wrong.

I’m still struggling to come to terms with the end of my relationship with Soulmate Boy. I’ve defined our friendship for so long as what it used to be. Slowly, I’m getting comfortable with the idea that he’s not really my soulmate any more. That person is dead. He died back in the late 1990s. This new person? I don’t really see a future with him anymore. I’m still searching for news on his arrest and the related drama, but last week, I received a good, solid, beat-down with a massive clue x four. Things haven’t been OK between us for a long time and they will never be again.

I’m working towards getting comfortable with my Ukrainian heritage. After one meeting, I was named the co-president of the Boston chapter of the UNWLA. I had a complete breakdown at the UkieFest. I’ve got software to help me learn the basics, and I have a 40 year old “My First Dictionary”. Pronunciation issues aside, I’ll at least be able to write the language. Kind of. Sort of. I hope. We’ll see where it goes. The HUGE Ukie Festival in Toronto is the weekend of my father’s birthday and I’m feeling like a road trip might be in order. This becoming who I am (a Ukrainian-American, if you haven’t been following along) is definitely not a someday/maybe thing anymore, that’s for sure. 

I’m building a new social circle… people I went to college with, people I went to high school with, and other assorted people. I used the network I built at the GTD Summit to help out our Best Man. I’ve become “New Hampshire!” to several people. I get shout outs in bars. I GO to bars. (That last statement alone is mind blowing.) I’ve stopped having panic attacks when I go to places by myself. I’m finally becoming comfortable being a more social creature.

And let’s not forget the boys of Instrument. Apparently, I have “MAJORLY found my happy” by hanging out with them and helping them out. Granted, I can’t get motivated to finish the fan site, but I’m active on the @instrumentfans twitter stream (even if it is nothing but reminders of shows and stuff… at least it’s out there), trying hard to keep the Facebook group up, taking pictures, and helping them when they’re on the road far from home and when they need some down and dirty graphic stuff (like the @instrumentband twitter background). I’m the first to admit that I do bitch a lot about the travel, but at the same time I find it so rewarding. So, I’m going to make an effort to STFU about the travel and just focus on the fun.

A few years ago, when my father passed away, and I started really wondering who I was, I never thought I’d be the person I’ve become today. I haven’t really walked the path that I chose to take when the decision was made to move back to New England. I wander off of it all the time, but I do come back from time to time, to kind of “check in” I guess. I’ll eventually become the person I want to be…

It’s just that throwing out the map and taking the scenic route makes me a much better me. And there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that!

Posted by Matty on 08/28 at 09:23 PM