Friday, July 03, 2009

@uconntam, in the BU room, with a hockey stick


bu’s johnny curry, in a pens jersey, celebrating the stanley cup win!

I’ve had Cowboy Mouth’s “How Do You Tell Someone” in my head now for the last few hours.

...We’ve been broken down and broken up so much that I am numb
Talk about, don’t shout about, the people we’ve become
There’s a little girl who’s cryin’ over here….

...Don’t shout at me like I was born a fool.
You speak of love and scream of love, now dare to treat me cruel
Nothing’s fair in love and war…

...Did you ever know me? I swear that I have tried.
Did you ever need me? I feel like I just died.
Did you ever want me? I swear that I have tried.
How do you tell someone you don’t love them?
How do you tell someone you don’t care anymore?
How do you tell someone you don’t love them anymore…

I sent Soulmate Boy a letter explaining to him that I can’t be his friend anymore. It was a long time in coming—maybe too long—but it took 10 drafts. There’s too much history between us for me to NOT get some closure on this, otherwise, the door stays open and there’s the potential for him to hurt me again.  I can’t let him put me in the hospital. I WON’T let him put me in the hospital.  My heart apparently can’t handle the kind of stress our “friendship” put on me. Of course, that’s easy to say…

He responded exactly how I thought he would, even though I didn’t want the response. He told me everything I wanted and needed to hear.  So, now I’m back to being conflicted over what’s best for me physically and emotionally.  He’s backed me into a corner and I’m not sure if I should “fight or flight” my way out of this.  I’ve chosen flight both times now… but despite what the song says, telling him I don’t love him anymore is the biggest lie ever and I’d never be able to fool myself into believing it.  I know he won’t be able to either.

There aren’t any easy answers… and I’d be a fool if I thought there were. I understand how you can get so wrapped in your own pain that you’re oblivious to what others are saying to you, but I can’t listen to it anymore. I’m not built for it.  I’m not sure where that leaves us.  I did send him a response so that he knew I’d read it - I owed him that much.  Of course, it was just “I need to process this,” but anything’s better than nothing.

In other news, we’re re-doing my office.  Two wall are BU red and two walls are white. (Bright white and blood red.) It’s coming out so well I can barely contain my excitement. However, me being me, I got paint all over myself and stepped in some of the red paint. Of course, I left footprints all over the drop cloth.  It seriously looked like a murder scene and totally cracked me up. It looks like (fingers crossed) that we might be able to start moving furniture in on Saturday! *happy dance*

I’m glad we’ll be done with the painting and trim earlier than anticipated. I can really use the distraction.

Posted by Matty on 07/03 at 12:20 PM