music is life

чекай мене, коли все це мине


May 03, 2022 :: 7:37 PM

I wasn’t sure how I’d feel about this collab, but it is LOVE. The video kills me… it was filmed in Ukraine, sooooo there’s that. The Ukrainian lyrics reference the way families are being torn apart. Like in Taras’ case, the lyrics speak to the way his wife and children fled the country and are currently living somewhere in New Jersey.

Between a shitty, shitty, shitty day at work caused by both AT&T and the US Government, the war in Ukraine (bombing near Lviv - always good for a heart attack), and Roe vs Wade, I’m fucking done.

Oh! And it would have been my mother’s 76th birthday today. I have no trouble picturing an older version of my father, but my mother is forever 46. It’s hard to wrap my head around it.

So yeah. Crappy headspace. Good song. Exhausted Wendell.

Life, in a nutshell.

Моя маленька незалежність...


March 12, 2022 :: 1:46 PM

Just a reminder… Harry Potter and his friends won that war. Avada Kedavra!

As I’m doing my quick run through of Facebook, I stumbled upon a video of Святослав Вакарчук (lead singer of Океан Ельзи (Okean Elzy) - probably Ukraine’s biggest rock band.) just jamming out on a piano in front of the Lviv train station.

Taken out of the context of the war, that would be the coolest thing to stumble upon.

The set list was awesome. It’s interesting how, when put together, it’s very obvious the message Slava was sharing with the crowd. Oddly enough, it was all songs that I love that have a special meaning to me. The majority of them I’ve used as anthems as a sort, too, while fighting with the worst of the bipolar. (I’ve cut and pasted my favourite lyrics thanks to Lyrics Translate - any mistakes cutting and pasting the Ukrainian are mine. Any English errors are not.)

1) Без бою (Without a fight) - Я не здамся без бою (I won’t give up without a fight)

2) Еверест (Everest) - Шум і тисяч їхніх слів, часом приносить біль. / Та дощ із хмари темних стріл не потрапляє в ціль. / І ми продовжуєм нести свій прапор, а не хрест. / Ми продовжуєм іти на власний Еверест. (Noise and thousands of their words, sometimes brings pain. / But the rain from the cloud of dark arrows doesn’t hit the target. / And we continue to carry our banner, but not our cross. / We continue to walk on our own Everest.)

3) На небі (In the sky or In heaven) - А часом / Коли я сам не свій / І в голові дивні думки / І на душі сумно... (Once in a while, I feel so blue / So many thoughts rush through my head / And in my heart sorrow)

4) Не питай (Don’t ask)- Не питай / Де я був коли тобі було так солодко / Де я був коли тебе таку незайману / Підіймали вище неба / Тільки сам на сам / Хіба не там (Don´t ask / Where was I, while you felt so sweet, / Where was I, while you, so untouched, / Were raised higher than heaven.)

5) Не твоя війна (Not Your War) - Бій на світанні. Сонце і дим. / Мало хто знає, що ж буде з ним. (Battle at dawn. Sun and smoke. / Few know how it will end.)

6) Місто весни (City of Springtime) - Бентежне століття загоює рани / Ще до повноліття тут всі ветерани (A turbulent century is healing its wounds / Even before coming of age, everyone here is a veteran)

7) Обійми (Hug Me) - Коли настане день, / Закінчиться війна (The moment the day comes / This war will be over)

8) Все буде добре (Everything will be OK) - І все буде добре / Для кожного з нас. / І все буде добре, / Настане наш час.(Everything will be all right / For everyone of us / Everything will be all right / Our time will come)

 

- - - - - - - - - -

As is the norm lately, too much in my head. Too much I won’t write about here.

The balance between blogging publicly and keeping certain things private is never ending…

 

I never thought that I could be who I am


December 16, 2021 :: 10:11 PM

this. fucking. show.

Spending Christmas with Matt Nathanson again (a week early). His raunchy Christmas carols are everything. Having access to the Christmas livestreams until the 19th is not going to be long enough. (Seriously, his live shows are awesome… He is absolutely hilarious.)

Probably not a surprise, but I haven’t been training for Dopey like I should be. Because I’m a fucking idiot and 2020/2021 wiped away all interest in doing anything. I even struggled with Racery events…

I had signed up for a 10K/Half combo up in West Palm Beach for last weekend, and I only completed the 10K.

I kept a strong 16:30mm pace and still had enough energy at the end to keep going, so that was really good.

I didn’t even bother going to the half… because of George.

George is the massively nasty, never healing, blister on my right foot. He lives on the ball of my foot right under my big toe. He showed up during Wine and Dine, I took time off to let him heal. He came back for the Turkey Trot… and he came back for the Palm Beaches 10K. With Dopey literally right around the corner, I wasn’t going to deal with him during a 13 mile walk.

I had moved from Hoka Arahi 3s to the Arahi 4 and it made me miserable. There was something weird about the 4s… I don’t know what Hoka changed, but YUCK! I had a decent coupon and tried Brooks Ghosts. Despite being highly recommended, they sucked for me. They didn’t even make it onto the treadmill, but they’re perfect to wear to work. Then, I did more research and decided on the Asics Gel Nimbus. I loved them so much during several Racery events, I bought two pairs.

Only to discover that they’re the reason for the blisters. On a treadmill, they’re fine. Absolutely no problems what so ever. But when it comes to the road, it’s a different story. Stability. Cushioning. Blah, blah, blah… all things that I had researched and thought I got right.

So, now I run in Brooks Glycerins and am no longer a member of Ravenclaw. Because, seriously? After all that, I can’t possibly be one of the Smarts any more. Damn. I’m due for a Puffs the Play rewatch because I’ve been quoting it a lot lately.

I’ve got a Dopey simulation coming up this weekend and it was supposed to start tonight. Of course, I have a super bad headache. I was so nervous about my interview this morning that I skipped breakfast altogether. No caffeine. At all. The headache has been so bad that I napped on the couch for a bit earlier. I NEVER NAP. If I didn’t have such a hot date with Matt, I would have skipped the nap and just gone to bed. That’s how bad it is.

(OK. I AM DYING. Matt just looked up Disappear on Spotify because he couldn’t remember the chord it started with. I still think looking for his own lyrics on google was the best, though. Fuck, dude. That show was the last IRL concert we attended. That’s way too long to go without live music.)

(STILL DYING. He’s totally fucking up Bottom of the Sea now… which he also just listened to on Spotify because he couldn’t remember that one, either.)

Short post, but there’s a lot of noise in my head right now and I can’t focus on squat right now. I also have a lot of stuff to talk about, but there’s also a bunch of stuff I don’t want to talk about, either.

The universe hates me.


June 23, 2021 :: 7:08 PM

How have you hurt me? Let me count the ways…

So… that was randomly fitting. Not amused that it showed up today, though.

Yesterday, I was talking to a coworker about a coworker that left. Former coworker once told me that I wasn’t as tough as I thought I was.

I never told him that the scar between my eyebrows is from a cigarette. I was five or six when my mother chose to use my forehead as an ashtray.

But. Yeah.

Just because I don’t talk about all those “that which doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger” moments, doesn’t mean I don’t have them.

Back to the scar through, because that was the trigger.

Current coworker said that he’d be willing to go back and fix his mistakes. I said I wouldn’t change a fucking thing.

When he asked why, I didn’t really have an answer.

I just wouldn’t.

All the shit I went through - the chance to fix things - to have my father live longer - all of it… nope. Wouldn’t change a goddamn thing.

(Which makes me question my mental health, but that’s nothing new.)

There’s no way I’d trade my scars for better ones

Yeah.

I had this dream last night about my mother. I NEVER dream about her. When I dream about family it’s always my father… and it’s always the nightmare of finding him dead in his apartment.

I can’t even remember all the details, but it was upsetting.

LIKE SUPER UPSETTING.

I am obviously not as tough as I think I am if that dream rocked my world… and not in a good way.

Other than the dad-mares, I’e never woken up crying before.

I was back to being young me, pre-divorce, pre-death…

I’ve been lost and I’ve been sinking / Broken, coming back together / I’ve been stalling, slipping, falling…

Fuck, dude. You have no idea.

She fucking broke me and I relieved some of her greatest hits (yup, I went there) last night.

It took moving out and her dying before I could finally start to heal.

I’ve been lost and I’ve been broken / Finally coming back together

I’ve never been suicidal, but I’ve gone to dark, dangerous, places. She sent me there. Often.

I don’t wanna be afraid of my thoughts / I don’t wanna be scared of my shadow

It’s taken a lot of work to put her behind me… but, of course, I’m not free of her. I doubt I’ll ever be.

The part that I always come back to, the part that I can’t shake, is who my mother was before she became a monster.

She graduated from UConn with a degree in something like Home Ec - child development or some such nonsense.

She was a social worker.

A perfect PTA mom.

Everybody looks for love where it’s not // Everybody wants to know they matter

I don’t think I was ever truly loved.

I don’t think I ever mattered.

The pull of the bottle was stronger than the pull of her only child.

Sooooooooooo…

I’m already in this stupid bad headspace because of the fucking dream and my iPhone decides to play this during my commute.

 

I better dream of fucking puppies and unicorns tonight.

життя починаеться знов


February 27, 2021 :: 3:10 PM

I may write multiple shitty drafts, but I’ve never written anything this bad.

Soooooooo. A lot has happened in two months.

The one I find most amusing is that I posted my 10 favourite R.E.M. songs on Facebook and somebody caught the fact that both Good Advices and Wendell Gee were on the list.

Somebody’s been paying attention. If you don’t know what the significance is… well, I’m afraid I can’t help you. (Says “Wendell” who blogs at “goodadvices”.com and has an email address of “wendellgee1985”.)

The second one is that we fired and hired a CPA firm on Friday and then hired a new AR person this morning.

I AM SO EXCITED.

I know I’m an asshole, but I am so glad to be letting go of my AR person. I’ve have a problem with her since I started there. Her emails are typically written in redneck and are terribly embarrassing to read. As her boss, it’s HORRIFYING to come across these in my inbox. She’s such a bad reflection on me and my department… and I’ve let my feelings known. She’s also incapable of following instructions and refuses to take responsibility for anything. My number one rule is Own. Your. Shit. and she refuses. So… we’re bringing someone on board who will.

 

- - - - - - - - - - -

There’s so much I do - and don’t - want to talk about that I can’t even find a place to begin or a way to separate the two.

The major thing is: Mitch McConnell is a fucking asshole. But that’s really neither here nor there… it’s not like we didn’t know it.

I don’t know. I’m alive. I’m still working weekends. I’ve gotten better at running more frequently. I’m studying for two major exams. I’m focusing on Ukrainian.

I’m surviving.

I can’t ask for much more than that.

 

 

Page 3 of 9 pages  < 1 2 3 4 5 >  Last ›